Hello, Colts fans. The key to football is to score more points than the other guys.
I know this and you know this, but our friends in the media need something to talk about in order to justify their jobs. Earlier this summer, a certain baseball announcer acknowledged to me that yes, I was right, the team really does just need to score more than the other guys. Yet each time a game rolls around, there he is giving us keys to the game that never include the bit about scoring.
As he is a highly-compensated professional, I figure that the creation of keys that turn no locks must be a growth industry. So now, it’s my turn.
Welcome to Why The Colts Will Score More Than The Other Guys
Who: The Cincinnati Bengals vs. the Indianapolis Colts.
What: Week 1 of the 2018 NFL season. Football is back baby!
Where: Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis, IN.
When: 1 PM Eastern, Sunday, September 9th. TV: CBS. Look, it’s the first game of the season, so I don’t care, but in case you wondered how CBS views this game, the broadcasting crew is someone named Andrew Catalon and HOF WR James Lofton. If you want to find out what else is on, you can do so here.
How the Colts will score more than the other guys:
1. Dearest Mother
During the week there was a buzz among Colts fans, as the team staged an interview with Andrew Luck that led one to believe he was the man behind the famed Capt. Andrew Luck twitter account. He is not, but, in honor of whoever it is, I give you my best imitation. With some of my own stuff thrown in.
Dearest mother — The stench of cat dung hangs heavy over the outskirts of town. Soon the Bengal men shall advance towards our lines. I am distressed over Sgt.Castonzo’s wounds, but shall be confident leading the unit. My resolve is strong. — Andrew
Dearest mother — While marching to the front I was distracted by 20+ beautiful women dressed in our unit’s colors. I worried our unit had been hoodwinked by Tiger spies but Cpl.Hilton assured me they are not bearing toad stickers*. My resolve remains strong. Please do not tell my dearest Betsy of the encounter with the women. Miss you. — Andrew
(* = Civil War era slang for knife, bayonet, or sword. True story.)
Dearest mother — Capt.Dalton is mounting a furious assault upon our positions. We have many Privates who aren’t experienced in war. Sgt. Simon was dismissed from our unit, so he is no help. Things are looking grim but my belief in these Colt men remains strong — Andrew
Dearest mother — The cat Men have mounted repeated assaults against my position. They swarm our flanks and our center. Sgt.Castonzo cannot fight today. I took a shot to my sidearm. Send Squirrel Oil. — Andrew
Dearest mother — Morale was low, but after some time I was finally able to communicate with Cpl.Hilton again. Holy sh** I love having him in our ranks. He is a topflight soldier. — Andrew
Dearest mother — I realize I said sh** in my last letter. Please do accept my sincerest of apologies. In the heat of battle we do not always watch what we utter. Please give my best to the hogs. I love you. — Andrew
Dearest mother — We were mounting a glorious offensive, but Pvt. Smith was not prepared to hold his position. I took a round to my sidearm and fell back. I shall be fine, but Capt.Dalton is close to defeating us. — Andrew
Dearest mother — Capt.Dalton and his fiery crown overwhelmed our young privates. He was jubilant in his mini victory, his fiery golden hair rising like the sun during the earliest of summer. We must regroup quickly. — Andrew
Dearest mother — Gen.Reich reports that we must attack in haste if we are to stem the tide of the Bengal assault. My resolve is strong and I am proud of the General’s belief in me and our unit. — Andrew
Dearest mother — It has been a long time since I’ve felt so jubilant. The men volley’d back with amazing pep. My sidearm was strong and accurate, then our trusted Sgt. Vinatieri fired a shot straight and true. We have emerged as victors! Dammit this feels good. — Andrew
Dearest mother — Once again I regret using a profanity, but guess what? We’re 1-0 baby! Please send extra Squirrel Oil. Soon we must march towards DC and the red men. — Andrew
I tried.
Say hello to Rachel J, who seems like a kind, wonderful spirit.
First, here’s Rachel with the now dearly departed – in cheer-leading terms only – Jessica G. We miss you, Jessica.
Next, here’s Rachel with a group of other CC friends:
Holla.
The season’s finally here, and it’s time to send Capt. Dalton and his fiery crown back to Cincinnati with a big fat “L”.
Colts 27, Bengals 24
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