Who: The mediocre Indianapolis Colts vs. the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
What: Week 14 of the 2019 NFL season. It’s almost over, folks.
Where: Raymond James Stadium, Tampa, FL.
When: 1 PM Eastern, Sunday, December 8th. TV: CBS. Spero Dedes! The oft-concussed Adam Archuleta! It’s the NFL on CBS! It’s like the league went “hey, the Colts are a sinking ship. Let’s add insult to injury.”
Why the Colts will score more than the other guys:
I’m not convinced they will
1. Luck
No, no, no, not that guy. I’m going to put on a little mood music here, complete with myself on the piano. Hear it?
You know it, now sing it:
“Just a small town girl. Livin’ in a lonely world. She took the midnight train goin’ anywhere. Just a city boy. Born and raised in south Detroit. He took the midnight train goin’ anywhere.”
My first goal here was to get the song stuck in your head, which I’m certain I was successful in doing. My second goal is to just echo the song. Don’t stop believin’. Yeah, the curtain is about to open so the fat lady can take the stage, but still.
(Bottom line: this was a SB contending team whose season was torpedoed by the retirement of Andrew Luck. In the NFL you’re doomed if you don’t have a good QB, and you’re doomed if you can’t stop one. The Colts can sometimes stop one. They definitely do not have one. These are the facts.)
Other than the ridiculous MNF comeback in 2003, does anyone remember anything about any Colts – Bucs game? Luck never played against them. Manning only played them twice. Curtis Painter went 13-30 for 281 and a 99.4 rating in a 24-17 loss in 2011. How the hell do you go 13-30 and still end up with a rating of 99.4? Weird. Also, Curtis Painter sucks.
The Bucs debuted in 1976, and the Colts stomped them 42-17 in Week 4. Looking at the box score, I expected a big game from Bert Jones. He threw 2 TD’s, but it was basically a “run the damn ball” game, as the Colts rushed for 238. Oddly, no player topped 100 individually. Another highlight from the box score: Steve Spurrier – yes, the coach – started at QB for Tampa. He went 2 of 9 for 36 and 2 sacks before giving away to someone named Parnell Dickinson. Dickinson went 1 of 5 for 12, a pick, and was sacked 6 times. The 1976 Bucs are probably the worst team in the history of the modern NFL.
So yeah, this one’s going to take some work for me. I do know this, the Bucs need to bring back their original logo. It’s most excellent:
Anyway…
Raymond Jones Stadium has a cannon that fires every time the Bucs reach the red zone, and again for every point they score. It’s not a KISS concert, but it’s a nifty contraption that serves its place, much like the Colts’ anvil.
During the writing of this article, the author retired to a nearby watering hole for a few beverages. An acquaintance sat down nearby and began talking about the Colts. He was doing fine until he said something like “I’ve got to hand it to that QB. He’s done really really well this year.” My first thought was, “is he talking about Deshaun Watson?” then I quickly moved on to internally hemorrhaging, followed by internal eye rolling so badly, my eyes rolled themselves home. I mean. Damn.
Given how this season has played out, it should come as no surprise to find what the Colts do well on offense corresponds to what Tampa does best on defense. Tampa allows just 76 rushing yards per game, and has given up a mere 7 rushing TD’s.
The game is back and forth throughout, with each team battling back to wipe out deficits. Jameis “Crab legs” Winston pushes the Bucs back in front on a 37 yard strike to Mike Evans with 1:19 left. The Bucs go for two and are denied, but lead 30-28.
Brisket has been average thus far, but does enough to keep the drive from stalling, and the Colts advance into field goal range thanks to a 28 yard jaunt by Parris Campbell off a reverse. With 3 seconds left, out trots new kicker Chase something or other to attempt his first kick as a Colt.
The kick is up…it looks wide…it looks wide…it…hits the upright and bounces through. Colts win!
A few seconds later, the Bucs cannon lets out a boom! much to the surprise of everyone in attendance. It appears a man with a parachute has been shot out of the cannon. As the parachutist lands, spectators see a disheveled looking man with a full beard, and wearing an Adam Vinatieri jersey, cargo shorts, and crocs (hey, it’s going to be in the 80s in Tampa on Sunday). Security converges quickly on the man, but despite losing a croc, the man eludes them and races down the tunnel, never to be seen again. Afterwards, police note markings on the parachute that read “I gave my heart to this team!” and “#FreeVinny.”
2. Jess returns
It’s like deja vu all over again. This is what happened when I asked for her thoughts the last time the Colts faced a team from Floriduh:
Now:
Her work here is done.
I also reached out to a friend who isn’t a Bucs fan, but who lives in the area and is familiar enough with the team to have something worthwhile to contribute. Unfortunately, she was unable to contribute.
3. Nope
There’s no cheerleader spotlight this week. Why? Because the team has played like crap the last few weeks. That’s right, you the reader are being punished for the sins of the team. Take it up with Jim Irsay.
Colts 31, Bucs 30
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