Hello, Colts fans. The key to football is to score more points than the other guys.
I know this and you know this, but our friends in the media need something to talk about in order to justify their jobs. Earlier this summer, a certain baseball announcer acknowledged to me that yes, I was right, the team really does just need to score more than the other guys. Yet each time a game rolls around, there he is giving us keys to the game that never include the bit about scoring.
As he is a highly-compensated professional, I figure that the creation of keys that turn no locks must be a growth industry. So now, it’s my turn.
Who: The lowly Indianapolis Colts vs the overrated Jacksonville Jaguars.
What: Week 13 of the 2017 NFL season.
Where: EverBank Field, Jacksonville, FL.
When: 1 PM Eastern, Sunday, December 3rd. TV: CBS. We’ll have Kevin Harlan and Rich Gannon today, which is a pleasant surprise (at least the Harlan part). You can check for games you’d rather watch instead right here.
Why the Colts will score more than the other guys:
Honestly, I don’t have the slightest damn idea. Not only do the Colts suck, but the Jags are uninspiring and this just seems like another boring division game. These type of games zap my creativity, which was already low to begin with thanks this year’s Colts and Charles Pagano. #ChuckNay
But I’ll think of something. Maybe,
1. Build-A-Brisket
After taking his 10th sack halfway through the first quarter, Jacoby Brisket lays writhing in pain on the turf. He’s holding his leg, and it doesn’t look good. In fact, his leg appears to barely be attached. There are cheers as he limps off. It is later determined the cheers weren’t due to his injury, but rather to the knowledge that Scott Tolzien would be entering the game.
Brisket is taken to the injury tent, and a man wearing a white lab coat with a smock over his mouth is seen pulling the door shut. 10 minutes later, Brisket emerges from the tent…with a peg leg. He takes a couple of warm up throws, then waves Tolzien off the field to a chorus of boos.
It doesn’t work, as his hindered mobility results in 5 more sacks.
The last hit, a vicious shot from Calais Campbell, leaves Brisket in obvious pain and holding his left arm. Once more, he heads off the field to much celebration. Once more, he heads to the injury tent and the mysterious man with the lab coat and smock appears. 5 minutes later, Brisket emerges and his left arm is gold with a hook on the end. He takes a couple of warm up throws, then angrily waves Tolzien off the field to deafening boos.
This latest procedure produces moderate success, as the Colts actually manage to cross their own 30 yard line, but still no points. As his line breaks down yet again, Brisket is stopped short on 3rd down, though his new left arm inflicts a nasty laceration on Campbell that will result in 30 stitches.
Man, this article really sucks, doesn’t it?
Anyway…
With the Colts trailing 6-0 late in the 3rd, Brisket takes his 19th sack of the game. Yet again, he’s in obvious agony, only this time it’s his throwing shoulder. Things look really bad now, although the Jags fans greet the appearance of Tolzien with a thunderous ovation typically reserved for people like The Pope or something.
Brisket struggles off, there’s the injury tent, the man in the coat, you get it. He emerges 2 minutes later, his right arm now 3 sizes bigger than before. As he literally throws Tolzien to the sideline, the Jags fans react angrily, and play is momentarily stopped so the grounds crew can clear the field of debris.
Like Doc Brown inventing the flux capacitor, this time it works. It works.
The new and improved Brisket, buoyed by the newfound strength in his right arm, begins to light up the Jags defense. He finds Doyle for 12, then Hilton for 17. Next man up is Moncrief, who hauls in a laser and takes it 37 yards to the Jags 15, then wildly exaggerates his “first down!” pose even though the Colts are trailing and about to lose or something.
The clock is ticking down…
Charles Pagano decides to abandon all and get tricky. The Colts come out with Brisket lined up in the slot left, Moncrief at QB, and Doyle at RB. Doyle goes in motion right…the snap is to Moncrief, Doyle cuts back left, Moncrief hands him the ball then makes a wildly exaggerated “touchdown!” sign even though the Colts are trailing and about to lose or something. Doyle rolls left…he lofts it into the back corner for Brisket. Brisket is able to maintain his route even though Jalen Ramsey committed illegal hands to the face, holding, and pass interference all at the same time. It’s a wobbly throw, but Brisket appears to snare it. He goes to the ground, feet inbounds…and after a brief meeting of the minds, it’s ruled a touchdown. The crowd, unsure of what to do, cheers thinking there’s another injury and it’s Tolzien time again.
After review, ref Bill Vinovich announces: “After review, the ball stuck on the receiver’s hook, therefore he maintained possession. It is a touchdown.”
Yes, I totally believe this will happen.
2. Colts Cheerleader Jessica G
I haven’t seen much of Jessica lately. I feel like she agrees my creativity has been stifled, and that the articles suck, but I’m certain she totally believes my story about Brisket, and that’s good enough for me.
Let’s see what she’s been up to….
Oh my.
I stole this pic from the below. Looks like a good offer, fellas. Take her up on it.
Happy #CyberMonday Colts Fans! I have a limited amount of FULLY signed @ColtsCheer swim calendars for only $25! Message me for details 💙☀️ pic.twitter.com/IQy0PMLfVJ
— Rachel J. (@RachelJ_CC) November 28, 2017
I feel like Jessica’s good karma isn’t enough, though, so I’m reaching into the archives for something extra. That’s me, always trying to give you fine readers a little more….
I love hippies.
Colts 7, Jags 6
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