Hello, Colts fans. The key to football is to score more points than the other guys.
I know this and you know this, but our friends in the media need something to talk about in order to justify their jobs. Earlier this summer, a certain baseball announcer acknowledged to me that yes, I was right, the team really does just need to score more than the other guys. Yet each time a game rolls around, there he is giving us keys to the game that never include the bit about scoring.
As he is a highly-compensated professional, I figure that the creation of keys that turn no locks must be a growth industry. So now, it’s my turn.
Who: The mediocre Houston Texans vs. the equally as mediocre Indianapolis Colts.
What: Week 14 of the 2016 NFL season.
Where: Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis, IN.
When: 1 PM Eastern. Sunday, December 11th. There are no other games today, so if you’re looking for a link to the coverage maps, you’re gonna have to look elsewhere. The legendary Kevin Harlan and the mediocre Rich Gannon are on the call for the only game that matters.
Why the Colts will score more than the other guys:
1. Houston sucks
I know this much: I am sick and freaking tired of the Texans. You’re the Houston Texans. You suck. You’ve sucked for years. The only reason why you’ve ever tasted any success at all has been because you got lucky and drew the Bengals in the playoffs a couple of times. Shut up, Houston. You suck. The entire city sucks. There’s too much crime. It’s too hot. It smells. These idiots spent a bazillion dollars on Brock Turnoversweiler and have managed to become worse as an offense than the one they had under Brian freaking Hoyer. Suckitude. The only remotely good thing they have going for them are the cheerleaders, and even they are annoying as hell with their incessant ramblings about how good the team is when they are so clearly not good. Now, this doesn’t mean the cheerleaders aren’t all babes. They are easily the best looking group of cheer babes in the entire NFL. No. It just means they suck by default because of the organization they belong to. Let that be a lesson for you kids out there. Sometimes you just suck by association.
I’m sick of you, Houston. Get all the way the hell outta here.
2. Allie J agrees
Excellent news, Colts fans. After weeks of being ignored by our favorite former cheerleader, I am happy to report that our beloved Allie is still alive and kicking. Now, this doesn’t excuse her for being in ignoration mode, but she is alive. I see a lot of papers on my desk, but I don’t ever recall signing off on anything that said Allie is entitled to have a life. This is nonsense. It’s a “Houston sucks” level type of nonsense.
Since she’s in ignoration mode 99% of the time, I didn’t bother to ask Allie how the Colts will score more than the other guys, but I’m fairly certain it’s because she believes Andrew Luck will throw for 287 yards and 3 scores. That works for me.
Meanwhile…
Whew *fans self*
How the Texans will win:
Well, they ain’t. Yes, I said “ain’t” and I said it on purpose.
So, where were we?
Oh, right. Right…
Bow chicka bow wow. Hello HTC Mallory.
Damn. Haaiii, Kimberly.
Oh look, it’s Madison (she’s on the left)
(That doesn’t mean you can’t also check out Kelly, who is the one on the right. I was merely pointing out that Madison is on the left.)
*turns on industrial-sized fan*
Your cheerleaders are great, Houston, but this game is in Indy, and today is when this crappy Colts team the Colts take control of the division.
Colts 24, Texans 13
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