Hello, Colts fans. The key to football is to score more points than the other guys.
I know this and you know this, but our friends in the media need something to talk about in order to justify their jobs. Earlier this summer, a certain baseball announcer acknowledged to me that yes, I was right, the team really does just need to score more than the other guys. Yet each time a game rolls around, there he is giving us keys to the game that never include the bit about scoring.
As he is a highly-compensated professional, I figure that the creation of keys that turn no locks must be a growth industry. So now, it’s my turn.
Welcome to Why The Colts Will Score More Than The Other Guys
Who: The Indianapolis Colts vs. The Tennessee Titans.
What: Week 7 of the 2016 NFL season. We’re almost halfway through the season. Slooowww down, season.
Where: Nissan Stadium, Nashville, TN.
When: 1 PM Eastern, Sunday, October 23. We have finally reached rock bottom, folks. This match up is so unappealing CBS has assigned their worst crew to call it. I wish I was joking. If there’s a plus side, it’s this: Solomon Wilcots, baby! For other action you can check listings here.
Why the Colts will score more than the other guys:
Will they? This season has taken a toll on my creativity. In fact, I almost just put “They won’t” and ended the post.
1. Dismember the Titans
The Colts have won 14 of the last 15 meetings between the two teams, so plenty of dismembering the Titans has occurred recently. Hell, even the two win 2011 Colts got one of those wins against the Titans. Dan Orlovsky was the QB that day. It was his first ever win as a starting QB. In his 13th start.
The Titans suck.
Desperate to do whatever he can to get his poorly coached underachieving terrible team together, Chuck Pagano decides to try and motivate them through a history lesson.
He awakens his charges at 3 AM on game day, demanding they follow him on his morning jog.
“Bruh, you think he’s getting us Taco Bell breakfast?” Matt Overton whispers to Pat McAfee. “Whatever it is, I just hope it’s not tequila,” whispers McAfee in reply.
As the early morning fog gives way to daylight, Pagano leads his troops out of the woods and into a clearing…
“Anybody know what this place is? This is Stones River National Battlefield. This is where they fought the Battle of the AFC South. 2,800 men died right here on this field…fightin’ the same AFC South fight that we’re still fighting among ourselves today. This green field right here…painted red…bubbling with the blood and sweat of young boys, smoke from touchdown cannons, and hotly thrown passes going right through their hands. Listen to their souls, men. ‘I killed my offense with malice in my heart. 4th and inches destroyed my family.’ You listen, and take a lesson from the dead. If we don’t come together, right now on this hallowed ground, we too will be destroyed. Just like they were.”
The speech works. In a scenario rarely seen during the Pagano era, the Colts start strong and play well all four quarters. An improved Titans team doesn’t stand a chance.
The Titans are dismembered.
2. Wardrobe malfunctions
Look, I don’t care how bad a team is, there is no reason to lose to a bunch who wears this stuff:
Who in their right mind would look at these and say “Maaaan, that is awesome!”? The answer is, no one. You suck, Tennessee. And I’m not having any of your “Well, we used to be the Houston Oilers” excuse, either. Get outta here.
3. Roadtrippin’
The Colts cheer group has followed the team to Nashville this weekend (I haven’t been able to confirm if Pagano made them run at 3 AM).
Hello, ladies.
Happy Birthday @AudreyR_CC!🎂💙#CCinNashville pic.twitter.com/hSvxcgNmkf
— Colts Cheerleaders (@ColtsCheer) October 22, 2016
Well now, looks like we have a birthday today. Let’s see if Santa Gerb can find any presents under the tree….
The birthday girl…
And a different side of the birthday girl…
Awww, it’s the birthday girl and Sammy T.
Speaking of Sammy…that’s her in the middle. Good heavens.
Whew…
I have no idea what the Colts cheer group is up to right now in Nashvegas, but Coach Peyton just called me and said they told him I’m right, the Colts will win Sunday and turn their fortunes around.
If the team doesn’t quit on the run to Stones River: Colts 35, Titans 31
If Coach Peyton wasn’t lying to me: Colts 92, Titans 1
If Coach Peyton becomes Executive Peyton and dons the ugly colors of the Titans next season: We too will be destroyed. Just like they were.
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