Hello, Colts fans. The key to football is to score more points than the other guys.
I know this and you know this, but our friends in the media need something to talk about in order to justify their jobs. Earlier this summer, a certain baseball announcer acknowledged to me that yes, I was right, the team really does just need to score more than the other guys. Yet each time a game rolls around, there he is giving us keys to the game that never include the bit about scoring.
As he is a highly-compensated professional, I figure that the creation of keys that turn no locks must be a growth industry. So now, it’s my turn.
Who: The Indianapolis Colts vs the Tennessee Titans.
What: Week 12 of the 2017 NFL season.
Where: Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis, IN.
When: 1 PM Eastern, Sunday, November 26th. TV: Fox. We get that duo of Chris Myers and Daryl Johnston. For the life of me I don’t understand why this game is on Fox, but the NFL feels like half of the country wants to watch the Patriots and Dolphins on CBS at the same time. Except those of you in the Indy. Whatever. If you want to browse the other contests, you can do so right here.
Why the Colts will score more than the other guys:
1. Don’t ask me. I don’t know.
This time I went straight to the semi-source…
We got to score touchdowns, obviously, and it's an area that we looked at self-scout-wise.
— Fake Chuck Pagano (@paganobot) November 24, 2017
They’re looking at it. Whew. I’m comforted. Stupid bot.
2. The spirit in the sky
It’s supposed to be in the upper 40’s on Sunday, but….
SUNDAY…Roof/window still TBD, but preliminary forecast says good possibility you should prepare for the great outdoors..
— Jim Irsay (@JimIrsay) November 24, 2017
I’m not sure if Boss is trolling us or not, but if so, 1) it’s not near as bad as his trolling us by keeping Charles Pagano as coach, and 2) it sets up my post, so we’re going to ride with the idea that it’s going to be open.
Although the skies have mostly been sunny, in the 3rd quarter with the Colts down 21-17, large clouds begin to form over Lucas Oil Stadium. Really weird looking clouds. Like a cloud with a really big forehead. In fact, it almost looks exactly like Peyton Manning. Weird.
As the Titans march for what will surely be a game clinching score, heavy winds begin to swirl down from the clouds, sending debris everywhere and knocking Blue over, rendering him unable to get back up and resume his famous pelvic thrusts.
Mariota takes the snap, he drops back…
Suddenly, a huge burst lifts him off the turf and into the sky. It’s not just a Manning cloud, folks, it’s a Manning vortex, and Mariota’s headed straight into it. The play screeches to a halt, as the players stop and stare, unable to comprehend what they’re seeing. Fox announcers Chris Myers and Moose Johnston are also rendered speechless – thank God – although a few moments later Moose is able to mumble something about an off tackle play the Cowboys used to run.
Unsure what is happening, Mariota drops the ball from the sky. It hits the turf before being alertly picked up by Jon Bostic, who runs it in for a touchdown.
Just like that, poof, Mariota disappears into the mouth of Manning.
Since Bostic’s return was a touchdown, we have a booth review. It’s a long one.
Several minutes later, a visibly shaken Craig Wrolstad gets on his mic and says, “After review, it has been determined that the QB’s forward progress was stopped, therefore it is not a fumble. Also, #32 from the home team has been ejected because no one wants to see him on the field. Also, we have no idea what the hell just happened. It’s Tennessee ball, 4th down.”
Buoyed by their good fortune, the Colts take over and begin to drive. Facing 3rd down from the Titan 36, the Colts get tricky. They snap it to Moncrief, who tosses it to Hilton, who fires one downfield to an open Jacoby Brisket. He’s got it! 10…5…touchdown! Colts win! As he crosses the goal line, Brisket takes a shot to the head from a Titan player. An obviously woozy Brisket struggles to his feet. Afterwards when asked about Brisket’s condition, Charles Pagano states “He’s fine. It’s just a flesh wound.”
Mariota is later found behind Tiki Bob’s, clad in only his football pants. After being taken to Methodist Hospital for evaluation, he is released with a clean bill of health. Two days later he will give a bizarre press conference where he answers only “cut that meat!” and “Peyton Manning is the greatest of all-time” to every question.
Thanks Peyton. Love ya.
3. Colts cheerleader Jessica G
Jessica had one hell of a Thanksgiving, as she was able to consume copious amounts of her beloved mac n’ cheese. Nothing wrong with that.
Although unavailable for comment, Jessica has been known to occasionally carry a device which summons Peyton Manning when necessary. Look, I know nothing. See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. It’s not my fault Peyton really wanted the Colts to win.
Anyway, let’s check on Jessica….
That is…a lot of hair. I’m jealous.
Whew..look at those ladies. My word.
Today’s also a special day, for Jessica, as she gets to perform on the field with her mom.
Momma G, much love to you for your service to our country.
Finally, today’s article also includes a little bonus coverage if you will, as Santa has informed me that to present you all have been naughty and not nice…
That’s right, friends, it’s our beloved Allie J back yet again.
*fans self*
We got this.
Colts 24, Titans 21
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