Why watch the Sabres suck when you can take their word for it?

One of my favorite comedy movies growing up was Tommy Boy with Chris Farley and David Spade. There were so many 1-liners in that move that even 20 years later, it’s still a comedy classic. One of my favorite lines in the movie was about how Chris Farley would always screw up his dad’s line about getting a good look at a T-bone and a bull’s ass. See, I completely messed up the line like Farley did. Let me check Google to see the legit version of it:

“I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull’s ass, but I’d rather take a butcher’s word for it.”

In the movie, the context is about sales and believing the salesman rather than the actual product. But if I were to take it literally, I translate it as “I know this meat is going to be great because the butcher told me so and there’s no need to go to the source by checking out the bull’s ass.” That’s exactly how I feel about having to watch the Sabres.

I know that come June, we are going to get a high pick. I’ll go even further and say that, with a 8-point lead and a dominantly awful goal differential (-90 vs. -63), the Sabres are running away from Edmonton. That’s not even taking into consideration the rosters (Edmonton’s 1st picks vs. I don’t even know who), the Corsi ratings, and everything else under the statistical sun that says that I don’t have to go in the bull’s ass to know that the Sabres are the absolute shits, even in comparison to the Oilers. Why put myself through sifting through a bull’s ass when I know the finished piece of meat is going to be Connor McDavid or Jack Eichel?

I can’t.

I’ve tried to watch Sabres games this season and it’s been unbearable. When the Sabres are playing the NYC teams and they are on MSG, I tell myself I’m going to watch this crap and I end up falling asleep or playing Fruit Ninja on my phone. When they are on NBC Sports, it’s the same thing. I’ve tried to buy into the idea of watching players like Zadorov, Girgensons, and Ristolainen grow up, but it’s so boring. They are growing at a snail’s pace because the team around them blows.

Now, this isn’t about tanking vs. not tanking. I’m totally fine with the organization tanking. That’s the obvious goal of the team and has been since Darcy Regier first said the word “suffering” and the Sabres signed just enough players to reach the cap in July. But the product of that tanking is definitely a whole lot of bad, bad hockey.

How on earth can a fan survive having to choose between cheering for losses or cheering for bad hockey? Detachment.

I haven’t written a peep about the Sabres since July, and I don’t have any sort of guilt about it. The Evander Kane trade was cool and made me briefly give a shit, but other than that? Zzzzzzzzz. Why would I watch when I can just look at a box score the next day or better yet just wait until June? Why root for incredibly bad hockey? Why take to Twitter to argue about Ted Nolan’s compete level or the moral implications of cheering for losses or  to pick a side between the tankeees and the tankfucks? Fuck that noise.

And in terms of being there and watching, I don’t care how often people say this is must-see TV. Must-see TV is good TV. This is not. Watching the Sabres just to see if they can get a high pick at this juncture equals not only sticking your head up a bull’s ass but watching the fucker get slaughtered. That’s not fun. I’d rather enjoy my T-Bone without having to see how it became a T-bone.

Maybe my Sabres street cred will be revoked because I’ve watched about 9 periods of Sabres hockey (5 if we’re eliminating periods when I mostly played Fruit Ninja), but I find ignoring the Sabres to be utterly enjoyable. I don’t get angry. I don’t get nervous. I know it’s a foregone conclusion that Buffalo will be near the bottom of the standings, and if somehow the race to last gets close, I’ll just wait until the last week to start watching. In the meantime, I’m just sitting at the dinner table, waiting for the T-Bone to arrive. And for those who are enjoying these Sabres and Oilers games – all due respect – but I hope that bull’s ass doesn’t smell that bad.