Why you should adopt the Angels as your playoff team

Hello, fans for the 20 teams that didn’t make the playoffs. How are you doing? Yeah, I know. Things are pretty rough now that your [NAME OF YOUR FAVORITE TEAM ]’s season is over. The [NAME OF YOUR FAVORITE TEAM ] really gave it their all this year, but it just wasn’t meant to be. Maybe next year.

We Angels fans really feel your pain. We were among you the last four years and boy do we feel your pain. Missing the postseason sucks. Missing the postseason four times in a row is just the worst. I mean, FOUR YEARS. It feels like an eternity. Can you even imagine that? Can you, Toronto fans?

But making the postseason is REALLY great. Seriously, I’m over the moon right now. I’m so excited that I think I might throw up. At least I think it is excitement. t might be anxiety. Or both. I’m not sure. Either way, I’ve been carrying a barf bag folded up in my back pocket all day.

Even with the nausea, this is such a great feeling that I want to share it with all of you losers unfortunate souls. That’s why I am here to recruit you to adopt the Angels as the team you root for in the playoffs.

Here are just a few reasons to adopt the Angels as your own for the next month.

The Rally Monkey
Remember when you were a kid and you always wished you could have a pet monkey? Yeah, well…

WE’VE GOT ONE! Call it lame or a call it a gimmick, but don’t overlook the fact that it is a monkey and monkeys are the best.

Our owner isn’t a dick
Whoever you normally root for, there is a high degree of probability that your owner is a dick, potentially even a huge dick.

Hal Steinbrenner? Dick.

Jerry Reinsdorf? Dick.

The Wilpons? A pair of dicks.

Jim Crane? Huge dick.

Liberty Media Group? Corporate dick.

Jeffrey Loria? Huge, massive, throbbing dick.

Dick Monfort? Literally a dick.

Arte Moreno? Not a dick, at least by MLB owner standards. Arte is a man of the people. He has a massive payroll but works hard to keep the ticket prices down unlike those other owners up the freeway. He famously reduced the price of beer, which qualifies him for sainthood in some circles. Yes, he might relocate the team, but only a few miles down the road and only because the mayor of Anaheim is a dick. Even then, he’s not asking the taxpayers to pay for a new stadium or renovations to the old one. He, and this is the crazy part, actually appears to care more about winning than turning a profit!

Matt Shoemaker‘s story
If you love a good underdog, Matt Shoemaker is the pitcher for you. At just about every level of competition he has been told he wasn’t good enough. He went completely undrafted out of college. He couldn’t crack a top 30 Angels prospect list despite the Angels having one of the worst farm systems in baseball. He’s a 27-year old rookie who is on in the rotation because the Halos ran out of healthy pitchers. All he’s done with his opportunities are to pitch his ass off at every level, including the majors. Now he’s a key member of the Angels rotation and likely to finish in the top five of AL Rookie of the Year voting. Not too shabby for a guy nobody wanted.

Matt Shoemaker’s beard

Yes, Matt Shoemaker is a terrific story unto himself, but his beard is on a whole other level. There are plenty of players in baseball with big beards, but most of them are unkempt. Shoemaker’s is an optimal combination of length, volume and grooming. In a word, it is luxuriant. And, yes, it is all natural as well. No hair dye or shoe polish here.

You too can #GetOctobeRED

I’m not exactly sure what it means to #GetOctobeRED. I have a hazy recollection of getting OctobeRED a few times in college. The hangover wasn’t all that bad and I’m pretty sure I had a lot of fun. And a few doses of penicillin will clear up that burning sensation straight away.

Kole Calhoun
You probably don’t know Kole Calhoun, but you should know Kole Calhoun. He’s probably the best player in baseball that nobody has ever heard of.

Plus, he does stuff like this:

And this:
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89nH6TxGE4Q]

And this:
[mlbvideo id=”33729547″ width=”400″ height=”224″ /]

And this:
[mlbvideo id=”29519433″ width=”400″ height=”224″ /]

And he does it all the time.

MIKE F***ING TROUT
He’s the best and most exciting player alive. It isn’t even up for debate. Most baseball fans know this already, but Trout hasn’t quite ascended to the kind of star level where even people who know nothing about baseball know who he is and how good he is. This postseason could very well be his coming out party, so you might want to jump on the bandwagon now.