Zero Insight with … Tom Powers?

Welcome to PJD’s occasional feature called “Zero Insight” were we quite poorly attempt to FJM style poorly written articles concerning the Vikings that Sid Hartman usually writes. Well, today Tom Powers decided to trump even that retarded fart knocker in stupidity with his exquisitely titled Pioneer Press article “Vikings appear to have an Adrian Peterson problem”. For the whole article, follow the link. For the retardery, stay right here and get your stupid hats on. We’re diving face first into this slop hole …

Something is wrong between Adrian Peterson and the Vikings.

You’re right. Peterson hasn’t been granted the first player/coach title in the modern era, but we can overlook that for the time being.

Maybe it’s a contract issue or the preferential treatment given to Brett Favre,

Oh, the guy who may be retiring still?

or perhaps Peterson is miffed at coach Brad Childress for throwing him under the bus for dropping the football. But something clearly is sour in this relationship.

Something is seriously sour in this article. I’m sorry if I’m reading this incorrectly. Are you insinuating that Peterson and the Vikings have some sort of rift between them? For … fumbling? I don’t get what the hell you’re talking about Tom. Hartman makes more sense in his opening stories than you are right now, and that guy is like half dead already.

Peterson is a smart guy.

Smart enough to not have read this article? I sure wasn’t.

He knew how he would be perceived for skipping minicamp in favor of a parade in his honor during Adrian Peterson Day in Palestine, Texas.

Yeah, people would say “Holy shit, there’s a Vikings minicamp going on this weekend? I totally forgot because I was too busy watching the Twins choke away their division lead!”

People envisioned him sitting on a platform, thumbs behind his lapels, and smoking a big cigar as the floats chugged past. You know, soaking up the glory while his teammates sweat on the practice field.

The only people who envisioned that reality were poor people, Packer fans looking to create a schism, you apparently, and Jews. It’s a money joke, you see.

In reality, Peterson does a lot of good work in that community. Much of Adrian Peterson Day consisted of his meeting with local high school athletes and encouraging them to stay on the straight and narrow. It’s not as if he shows up once a year to get a pat on the back.

So what are we even talking about then? How great of a person he is for realizing life isn’t all about football? THIS is an Adrian Peterson problem? Here’s a problem. I lost this hamster …

Plus, there certainly are enough media types

That irony tastes delicious!

willing to carry the coach’s message about misplaced priorities. Many of the headlines began:

“Childress irked …”

“Childress miffed …”

“Childress annoyed …”

“Childress aroused…”. You should see the blog that article is attached to.

Minicamp is, after all, mandatory unless you are Brett Favre.

Or Chad Greenway, or Toby Gerhart, or Ray Edwards … BUT FUCK YOU PETERSON, GET INTO CAMP ALREADY!

And I don’t have a problem with that, either.

SO WHY ARE YOU WRITING THIS ARTICLE? Ok, really. As readers, we are what seems to be like 37 minutes into reading this article about how Peterson fumbles, is a good human being, and headlines about how Childress scrunches his nose when upset, and Powers doesn’t have an issue with this. So does the article end?

The point is that Peterson could have attended camp if he so desired. The Fourth Annual Adrian Peterson Day was scheduled a long time ago, but it could have been rescheduled.

I’d bet the house that event organizers asked A.P. if he wanted to switch the day. After all, the event is organized by his closest friends and relatives, and they certainly don’t want to cause him any trouble.

Peterson probably still could have attended part of the minicamp if he chose to hustle up and dash through an airport or two. All those options were rejected. Why? Well, there’s got to be something going on.

This is embarrassing, Tom. This is all pure conjecture, like me assuming that you did absolutely zero research on this article, and now you’re tossing out a shit show full of lies to stir up some controversy that isn’t there? How about this for some made up bull shit? Peterson told Childress about the event, asked him if they should reschedule, and Childress said “I don’t care, it’s just minicamp, but I’ll have to make a big deal about it to the media, but don’t worry” and that’s exactly what happened. BOOM. Article over. Now let’s watch these Peterson highlights from 2009:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUg5OWDB1s8

Holy shit, you wrote more?

I do know that Peterson isn’t feeling the love up here like he did his first couple of years.

More lies, and a retarded statement. But go on.

Just talking to people, I detect that they now expect the worst from Peterson.

What idiots are you talking to? Phil Mackey? He seems to hate Peterson. This hardly counts though.

But here’s the deal: Almost all great running backs lose the ball a lot. Opposing teams have an awful time tackling Adrian Peterson. So they go for the ball. He’s not the first to go through this. Eric Dickerson fumbled close to a hundred times during his career, including 27 combined over his first two seasons. Jim Brown, the greatest running back ever, fumbled eight or nine times a year. Franco Harris had years when he’d drop the football 10 or 11 times.

And on, and on, and on, and on … Why are we even talking about fumbling now? Is this causing the “rift” that is as existent and expansive as your apparent football knowledge?

Peterson’s three-year regular-season totals: four, nine and seven.

Oh, look Tom! He’s actually gotten better since his second year! Why are we fearing the worst again?

Last I heard, they were making him carry around an extra-heavy football. It seems kind of embarrassing.

As embarrassing as your terribly written article? No wonder people visit the Star Tribune website more often (I CAN MAKE UP STATS TOO!) I’m sure Sean Jensen is sharpening his shuriken’s just reading this. He is a ninja, right?

Perhaps Peterson feels that the starting quarterback wouldn’t have gotten any grief for wanting to attend a Brett Favre Day.

Pfft. That’s every day in Brett Favre’s world. And he receives PLENTY of grief for being himself. Seriously, do you even pay attention to sports?

All we know is that Peterson has earned the reputation of being a team-first guy and not a troublemaker. He easily could have attended minicamp yet stayed away.

And you, douche juice, are developing the reputation of a first class asshole that runs the states best athletes out of town. How much shit did you write about Moss and Garnett? Someone please find this out for me.

Something’s got to be up. Vikings fans should hope it isn’t the beginning of a huge rift.

God dammit, shut your fucking gaping vagina mouth.

This whole things has been driving me furious ever since last week. Because Peterson missed a “mandatory” minicamp that, coincidentally, Brett Favre also wasn’t at, every single pole smoking media member assumes that there is some contract issue or preferential treatment issue that Peterson now has with the Vikings. Really? Where are you assholes pulling this out of? Because Childress said he was upset Peterson wasn’t there? What do you want him to say? And as this cock puncher just pointed out, it’s not like he was down in Miami trying to promote his business of finding shitty musicians (*cough*McKinnie*cough*), he was at a family sponsored event working with kids.

I swear to God, if one of you assholes ends up sending him out of town with your negative press I will burn your office building to cinder. Don’t fuck this up for us, your selfish pricks. THERE IS NO ISSUE BETWEEN PETERSON AND THE VIKINGS. Do some fucking homework, or GTFO.