What a difference a year makes.
A little over a year ago, the Penguins probably come into this game and get shutout 3-0. After all, they played the worst team in the league. This face gets burned into your retinas, searing them like tuna steaks.
You’d probably compensate by referencing that Arrested Development quote about Arizona, but you know deep down the Blue Man Group won’t cure depression.
Oh, but what a difference a year makes.
FIRST PERIOD
It took the Penguins just 8:40 to get on the board, which is about 8 minutes longer than expected. It took the Coyotes 9 minutes and 32 seconds to register their second shot of the game. You could say the Pens were sodomizing the Yotes, but that would probably be too offensive to sodomy.
And sodomy is exactly what Kuhnhackl did to Jake Chikfila, putting the barely legal teen into the boards to force a limp dick clearance attempt. Can’t say I’ve ever heard of an 18 year old that couldn’t get it up. Cullen had no issue caressing a sweet little one touch pass to Wilson. Chickenen tried to keep up with Kuhn, but it just helped screen the other Mike Smith for Wilson to snipe. 1-0
https://gfycat.com/MeekNaiveDingo
They force Smith to make a total of 14 saves in the period, while Murray held steady with 7, including a couple that were high end.
But really, the true highlight of the period was Shane Doan being literally too slow to throw a late hit anymore.
https://gfycat.com/FancyOnlyChihuahua
As with any positive, there had to be a negative. This in the form of 87 taking a shot to the head for the second game in a row. Stop if you’ve heard that one before.
https://gfycat.com/DimSharpFinnishspitz
He’d return at the start of the second because this is the NHL after all. Hanzal would run Letang and Malkin later in the game too because this is the NHL after all.
SECOND PERIOD
Less than 2 minutes into the period, Doan Syndrome gift wrapped the Pens a PP. While the Pens couldn’t capitalize with the man advantage, the roughly 5 minutes following the expiration of the penalty, the Coyotes epitomized what the holiday season is all about.
https://gfycat.com/SoupyMajorHawaiianmonkseal
2-0
https://gfycat.com/FailingFamousAmericanwigeon
3-0
https://gfycat.com/GlaringFarawayIbisbill
4-0
That would be the end of Mike Smith’s night, who at this point has to feel like he’s walking through the desert alone. Literally icing the puck every time you touch it would’ve been a better game plan than whatever the Yotes actually did to clear their zone. Note: with that assist, Maatta passed Matt Murray in team points.
In the back half of the period, Ekman-Larsson remained in the giving mood, throwing the puck over the glass then throwing a temper tantrum to pick up a double minor. R2, R2, L1, R2, Left, Down, Right, Up, Left, Down, Right, Up. 5-0
https://gfycat.com/WeakMadGuppy
Welcome to the game, Louis. Your first task: Do not embarrass yourself or your family. Get fucking real. It just isn’t fair anymore. Matrix level shit there.
THIRD PERIOD
Then just 80 seconds into the period, Phil piled on the trash heap with a dagger blow. 6-0
https://gfycat.com/DamagedSafeGangesdolphin
https://gfycat.com/DangerousAntiqueAlabamamapturtle
Dat smile.
As mentioned above, Hanzal would take a run at Malkin and get a boarding penalty. HCMS was in no mood, whipped out his dad dong and sent his top PP unit. They didn’t bury one, but Schultz would. 7-0.
https://gfycat.com/FragrantIllegalFugu
RANDOM NOTES
- If Crosby, Malkin, Phil, and Letang keep clicking like they are, look the fuck out.
- Include Matt Murray above with his 2nd shutout of the season, a 31 save effort. Arizona sucks, but he still had to work for it.
- Anthony DeAngelo is probably going to be really damn good.
- Fuck Shane Doan and Martin Hanzal.
NBCSN will be forcing its Rivalry Night dick down our collective throats tomorrow night as the Pens play host to the Bruins. Do it.
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