I can’t remember the last time I made predictions and took the time to write them down, and I have no plans to change that method. Instead, I put that burden of potentially being horribly wrong on you.
From now until the start of the season (hopefully), I’ll ask six extremely important and detailed questions about each team in the SEC and provide answers to these questions. With the answers to these well-researched questions, you should have all the material you need to make informed predictions about each team, which, if you are super-confident, you should attempt to turn into financial reward for yourself.
And if you don’t trust my minutes of research and thought, feel free to answer the questions yourself and be SO VERY WRONG.
Today’s teams: ROLL TIDE, Kentucky, and Vanderbilt (gotta speed things up before Thursday)
ALABAMA
1) Without looking, can you name three players on the team? Because if you can’t name three players, the team is either severely lacking in experienced talent or you don’t pay that close of attention to other teams due to all the stuff you have to remember on a day-to-day basis.
EVERY FIVE-STAR PLAYER THIS AND THAT SIDE OF THE MISSISSIPPI, PAAAAWWWWLLLLLLL.
2) Would you trust the head coach to successfully run the Country Jamboree Rec Center Car Wash Benefit?
A more ruthlessly efficient car wash the town could not recall. Plus, Nick Saban is already an expert in yelling at young people for poor technique.
3) Can the quarterback throw the ball over them mountains?
Data is incomplete. Alabama is in the midst of determining who will start and/or take most of the snaps. Either Blake Sims or Jacob Coker will manage the shit out of whatever duty they’re called to perform, but Saban may not ever let them see if they can clear them mountains.
4) Can you reasonably expect to escape injury if forced to hold the ball behind the offensive line for at least four seconds while a defense rushes you?
Even though they lost a couple of linemen to the professional ranks, this is still ALA – BY GOD – BAMA, PAAWWWLLL. The offensive line will always have a floor of “good” and a ceiling of “playing Notre Dame in the BCS Championship Game”. And let us not forget that they are experts at holding without it being called for seasons at a time.
5) Does the offensive coordinator know the right times to RUN THE DANG BALL?
Everyone forgets that Lane Kiffin was a pretty good offensive coordinator back in the day at USC (granted, he had insane talent to work with). But when he inexplicably kept moving into better head coaching jobs, the burden of calling plays and being the head coach was too much for him, and both turned into crap.
Now that he’s back to as little responsibility as he should be allowed to have, he should be fine sticking to Saban’s mandated pro-style, CRUSH THE HELL OUT OF ‘EM PAAAWWWLLLL, offense.
6) Can the defense reasonably expect to surrender at least two career-high statistical days to opposing offensive players during the season?
Is Johnny Manziel still in college? No? Then they will not surrender any career-high stats days.
KENTUCKY
1) Without looking, can you name three players on the team? Because if you can’t name three players, the team is either severely lacking in experienced talent or you don’t pay that close of attention to other teams due to all the stuff you have to remember on a day-to-day basis.
Ever since Morgan Newton left, my will to remotely pay attention to Kentucky has lost its will to live. However, I can tell you that Maxwell Smith returns at quarterback, and I only know of him because two years ago he was on a Jevan Snead-like interception pace before an injury that took him out for most of the season.
2) Would you trust the head coach to successfully run the Country Jamboree Rec Center Car Wash Benefit?
Based on what he’s been able to do in recruiting, Mark Stoops could, at the very least, get people to show up to wash cars. Whether they could actually do it is unknown, but it would certainly help pass the time until basketball starts in a more interesting way.
3) Can the quarterback throw the ball over them mountains?
Unsure, but the Wildcats have a new freshman shooting guard that can shoot threes from behind them mountains.
4) Can you reasonably expect to escape injury if forced to hold the ball behind the offensive line for at least four seconds while a defense rushes you?
Would you trust anything related to Kentucky football?
5) Does the offensive coordinator know the right times to RUN THE DANG BALL?
Neal Brown is an air raid guy, so he may be the one thing I do trust when it comes to Kentucky football. Unfortunately, RUN THE DANG BALL may never come into play much for him, as Kentucky will spend most of the season playing with fewer points than its opponents.
6) Can the defense reasonably expect to surrender at least two career-high statistical days to opposing offensive players during the season?
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes.
VANDERBILT
1) Without looking, can you name three players on the team? Because if you can’t name three players, the team is either severely lacking in experienced talent or you don’t pay that close of attention to other teams due to all the stuff you have to remember on a day-to-day basis.
Patton Robinette is in the mix at quarterback with PHILIP RIVERS’ LITTLE BROTHER STEPHEN, so that should be exciting. Outside of that, I am mostly excited that I don’t have to watch Jordan Matthews terrorize the Ole Miss secondary again.
2) Would you trust the head coach to successfully run the Country Jamboree Rec Center Car Wash Benefit?
Since Derek Mason is of Stanford stock, I would expect it to be a successful, yet extremely physical car wash. My only hope would be that the dents from physical drying would be few.
3) Can the quarterback throw the ball over them mountains?
Only if Jordan Matthews is going to run under the pass. Unfortunately for Vandy, he is gone, so this skill is doubtful.
4) Can you reasonably expect to escape injury if forced to hold the ball behind the offensive line for at least four seconds while a defense rushes you?
With the five tight tends Vanderbilt will keep in to block, I’d feel pretty good about hanging out back there.
5) Does the offensive coordinator know the right times to RUN THE DANG BALL?
If RUN THE DANG BALL is not employed heavily, Vanderbilt will be in for many a game of the announcers* saying, “Derek Mason is building something here at Vanderbilt”, with Vandy trailing 31-6**.
*Andre Ware, as Vandy will play all games at 11:30
**May still happen anyway
6) Can the defense reasonably expect to surrender at least two career-high statistical days to opposing offensive players during the season?
Other than an emphasis on PHYSICAL FOOTBALL, one of the main things Derek Mason brought with him from Stanford is a 3-4 defense to replace the 4-3 Vanderbilt ran last year and many before that. While it may pay off in a season or two, there’s always the transitional period that’s filled with quotes like “we’re still learning, but we’re getting better every day” and “the guys have a ways to go, but they’re really picking it up well”.
That translates to “we sorta know what’s going on, but this is all really new and oh look, we just gave up another long touchdown”.
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