Tale Of The Tape: America’s Greatest Statues

Today is the 130th anniversary of the Statue of Liberty arriving from France as a pre-thank you to the United States for setting their house in order in the next century. While the four-year old Nick Saban statue is not celebrating its anniversary today, it does share something in common with the Statue of Liberty in that both symbolize NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS AND DEFENSE AND ROLL TI-

(What’s that? I see. So only one of them symbolizes those things? Are you sure? Check Wikipedia. Why are you using Bing? Are they paying you to use that? What? I use Google like every other person alive. No, no one uses Yahoo. Oh my l- you have an active Hotmail email address don’t you? Yes you do! Stop lying! Hot-mail! Hot-mail! Hot-mail! Hot-mail! Hot-mail!)

So after some quick research by my assistant, turns out the Statue of Liberty symbolizes freedom and all the good stuff that comes with it. This means that it and the Saban statue don’t stand for the same thing, which in turn means WE GOT A BATTLE FOR A STATUE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP ON OUR HANDS.

Let’s get to the tale of the tape.

Age
Statue of Liberty: 130 (129 if you factor in it took them a year to put it together once it got to America; typical French, leaving other people to do the heavy lifting)
Statue of Saban: 4 (dedicated on April 16, 2011)
Advantage: Liberty

Height
Statue of Liberty: 305 feet
Statue of Saban: 9 feet
Advantage: Liberty

Location
Statue of Liberty: New York
Statue of Saban: Tuscaloosa, Alabama
Advantage: Saban (you wish you could be that close the Bear, Lady Liberty)

Designer
Statue of Liberty: Frédéric Auguste Bartholdi
Statue of Saban: Jeremy Davis (Alabama student at the time)
Advantage: WEST BLOCTON, ALABAMA, STAND UP

Pose
Statue of Liberty: Holding a torch high in one hand, the law in the other hand, and a broken chain at the feet
Statue of Saban: Teaching them boys how to play defense
Advantage: Last time I checked, you can’t play press coverage with a torch and a tablet in your hands

Reason Statue Exists
Statue of Liberty: To express feelings in the friendly relationship between the United States and France
Statue of Saban: As per tradition, winning a football national championship
Advantage: HOW MANY NATIONAL TITLES HAS FEELINGS WON?

Number of Visitors
Statue of Liberty: Millions
Statue of Saban: The whole dang Crimson Tide nation
Advantage: How many points you think Alabama beats Rutgers by? 50? 60? ROLL DAMN TIDE.

Most Important Person at the Dedication
Statue of Liberty: President Grover Cleveland
Statue of Saban: Nick Saban
Advantage: THANKS FOR SHOWING UP, OBAMA. THAT’S ALRIGHT THOUGH. WE’LL SEE YOU AT YOUR HOUSE AGAIN AFTER WE WIN THE WHOLE THING THIS YEAR. RTR RTR RTR RTR RTR RTR RTR RTR RTR RTR RTR RTR RTR RTR RTR RTR RTR RTR RTR RTR RTR RTR RTR RTR

So there you have it, by a final score of 6-2 (GREAT DEFENSE, Y’ALL), the statue of Nick Saban claims its first Statue National Championship. Now, go ahead and PRINT THE DANG T-SHIRTS.