I watched all of Ole Miss’ spring game on Saturday, which offers some indication as to how poorly I use the hours when I am not required by my employer to be at my job. I did not attend the game because I somewhat value my time, despite the evidence of idiotic photoshop creations that clearly suggests otherwise (see above).
Instead, I watched through the majesty of technology and screaming at my computer to recognize my cable/satellite provider. My computer is very old and has the temperament of someone who has never run before and just completed a 50-yard wheezing trot.
So through that computer and the times the SEC Network went live with our game, here are some things I noticed and now attempt to recall because I never write anything down, which is HOW THE COOL KIDS DO IT.
1) Chad Kelly has abilities that Ryan Buchanan and DeVante Kincade do not have, which includes challenging entire bars and police departments to a fight.
2) I hate vague and INTANGIBLES-type statements, but I’m about to make one so here we go, when you watch Kelly, all of his movements appear so natural and free of stress.
3) Like, you know, someone who has been blessed (not Auburn #blessed, but still pretty good) with talent that very few people have.
4) Not to say Buchanan and Kincade don’t have abilities and talent, but everything they do looks like it takes a lot of work.
5) Assuming Kelly is able to get a better grasp of the offense and avoids all the street fightin’, I find it hard to believe he will not be the starting quarterback.
6) Buchanan has been anointed the safe option by a moderately warm take, but he has the look of second-year medical student Dr. Bo.
7) Dr. Bo certainly had some issues with the scalpel at times, but he could score points.
8) I get the idea of not needing a lot of points if the defense is as good as it may be, but they are not as if the ’85 Bears and the ’00 Ravens defense birthed a defensive offspring.
9) Ole Miss still needs to reach the mid-20s in points per game and a second-year med student is probably not going to make that happen without the constant threat of the patient bleeding out.
10) As for Kincade, him making the correct read (pre-snap/coverages/packaged plays) has the same odds of taking lots of stuffed animals off the hands of carnies and their games of swindle at the fair.
11) You set enough money on fire and you’ll end up coming away with a stuffed bear the size of a fourth-grader, but most of the time you’re going to be really frustrated and mad that you are not spending this money on delicious fatty foods that will be hell to deal with the next day.
12) ENOUGH QUARTERBACK TALK.
13) Which reminds me, read Bruce Feldman’s The QB.
14) Really interesting stuff (I thoroughly enjoyed the Manziel parts) and you will realize what a fool you have been for not moving to Southern California and being paid extremely well to chase high school quarterbacks with a broom.
15) Related, I would read a behind-the-scenes book about teams with miserable quarterback situations.
16) Like, say, the 2004 Ole Miss team.
17) Michael Spurlock, Ethan Flatt, and Robert Lane?
18) YES, PLEASE.
19) Or the next few seasons with Ethan Flatt, Brent Schaeffer, and Seth Adams, all coached by Ed Orgeron.
20) Sweet mercy. How did we survive 2004-2007.
21) Also related, I will read anything that has Ed Orgeron at its center.
22) Anyway, back to the game.
23) I can’t wait for the competition to hold the title of “The Trick Play That Will Drive Us Completely Insane” this season.
24) The two candidates:
25) The running back toss-pass play that scored a touchdown against Mississippi State.
26) The Treadwell pass play, which was run on Saturday with Quintavious Burdette filling in for Laquon Treadwell in throwing the incomplete pass.
27) Both of those will be run multiple times this season and will lead to Twitter screams of “UUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” and “pls stop”.
28) And will they be run at the most inexplicable time?
29) YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT, BUDDY.
30) My kingdom for an offensive line.
31) We need at least 8 guys and right now I’m not sure if we’ve got more than 3 (and that’s counting the one coming off a broken leg).
32) Ole Miss has corners that are big, physical, and fast?
33) Did the laboratory outside of Clarksdale that produced our 5’9″, 165-pound corners get shut down?
34) THANKS OBAMA.
35) No, seriously. Thanks.
36) On the defensive line, Breeland Speaks appears to be a more portly version of Robert Nkemdiche.
37) After every pass he bats down and tackle he makes in the backfield this year, I hope the celebration is everyone running up to him and rubbing his exposed belly.
38) Then a genie comes out, gives us three wishes, and we wish for infinity wishes (GOTTA PLAY THE GAME RIGHT, SON) and spend them on infinity Breeland Speaks.
39) Once wide receiver Damore’ea Stringfellow learns to not run routes with the angles of an apostrophe, he will be a really nice addition.
40) Shock of the spring: Ole Miss has a walk-on running back named Martin Johnson who did NOT play at Pillow Academy.
41) Martin Johnson played at Nanih Waiya High School and carried twice for one yard, with one fumble, on Saturday.
42) Ole Miss has a tight end named Taz Zettergren who DID play in the Mississippi private school league.
43) He also caught an early touchdown pass from Chad Kelly, which led me to booking Kelly’s flight to New York for the Heisman ceremony.
44) Haven’t booked Taz’s flight to wherever the tight end trophy ceremony is.
45) It may not matter because we might not be able to block for him, but Jordan Wilkins could make somewhat of a leap this year in terms of becoming a more effective runner and SLINGIN’ TOUCHDOWN PASSES AGAINST MISSISSIPPI STATE.
46) Most importantly, no one suffered a significant injury, which I should’ve listed number one because it’s most important, but we’re already way down here and I’m not copying and pasting and deleting and all that business.
47) But for real, ALL OF MY MEAGER POSSESSION FOR AN OFFENSIVE LINE.
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