Earlier today, Jerry Jones took time out from his busy schedule of yeehawing and ferrying Chris Christie to places in which he might need some luck to announce that he was donating significant monies to Arkansas athletics. The monies, which were announced as $10.65 million, or about one-fourth of the Double J-Tron in AT&T Stadium, are set to go buildings/improvements/blah blah blah blah.
We all know that money is going to football. Nothing would make Double J happier than to blindly fall into another return to the playoffs with the Cowboys AND bankroll Arkansas football’s ascendence into a national power. So if that’s the case, AND IT TOTALLY IS, what specifically is this money going to provide Arkansas football?
Oh, grasshopper, you’re assuming Double J gave them cash. Bert and friends have plenty of Walmart money. They’ll always take more cash, but they don’t need more cash right now.
What Bert needs is talent. And the type of talent Bert loves the most is tight ends. OH THOSE SWEET MEATY YET ATHLETIC TIGHT ENDS.
Hunter Henry, who is a nice player, returns, but Bert just lost AJ Derby to eligibility expiration and needs to replenish his numbers there so that he can run formations with four tight ends (OR MORE). What better way to be replenished there than with the help of Double J’s tight end resources.
Jason Witten $8,512,000
Gavin Escobar $1,148,317
James Hanna $686,213
That’s $10,346,530 worth of tight ends and more potential for successful power run plays mixed with play action than Bert has ever imagined as he drifts off to sleep. However, it leaves us $303,470 short of the $10.65 million gift.
Not to worry. Double J knows that Bert loves average quarterbacks, particularly if they’re named Brandon, so he’s willing to donate Brandon Weeden to Fayetteville.
Unfortunately, Weeden makes $660,000 (America!), which is too high, so he’ll only be donated for a little less than half the season to account for the final $303,470 of the donation. Plus, Weeden will be needed back in Dallas to play that one game where Tony Romo’s back acts up and they lose something like 17-6 to the Bills.
So there’s what really involved in Jerry Jones’ donation. $10.65 million worth of tight ends and an average quarterback. Why, with those kinds of numbers, Bert could soon find himself spending late December in exotic locales such as Nashville or Memphis.
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