Look, this is what happens in May. We all run out of distractions, get bored, and the next thing we know we’re waist-deep in speed-scrolling through a top 25 ranking that we don’t care about, but thanks to that misuse of eight seconds of scanning, we’re eight seconds closer to college football season. Or maybe that’s just me.
It could be worse in that those eight seconds might’ve been used to scan something about realignment, TV footprints, administrators pretending like they know what they’re doing, or revenue stre- OH IT’S SO BORING LET’S MOVE ON TO SOMETHING SLIGHTLY LESS BORING, which is quite literally anything else.
The people at Athlon Sports got bored much earlier than the other people at other publications that make these #content-providing rankings, releasing their top 25 for next season before Memorial Day gets here (THREE-DAY WEEKEND AHOY). To no one’s surprise, Alabama finds itself at number one, with Nick Saban already preparing a mini-speech on how this means nothing, no one has earned anything, and everyone is a pile of garbage that makes him sick (stop doing all of that standing next to garbage, Nick!).
As for the rest of the rankings, let’s go through them and make some observations based on hours and hours of zero offseason study.
1) Bama
2) Not Bama
3) Never gonna be Bama
4) Ain’t no Bama
5) Wish they was Bama
6) Y’all ain’t no Bama
7) Please, no Bama here
8) Can’t be Bama
9) Pretend Bama
10) Ole Pi$$ Racist Cheatin Bears Winnin Games Cause Bama Gave It Away
11) No chance to be Bama
12) How many times y’all wish you were Bama?
13) Bama whooped that ass
14) Praying to be Bama
15) Y’all better look how good Bama is
16) Can’t even be on the same field as Bama
17) Another Bama blowout victim
18) This is boring, let’s focus on Bama
19) Can we go back to Bama?
20) Insignificant, unlike Bama always
21) Bama would win by 4 touchdowns
22) Bama would win by 144 touchdowns
23) Gonna get clowned by Bama
24) Neon don’t help you against Bama
25) Makes it an even 24 teams who WISH THEY LIVED THAT BAMA LIFE
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