After directing an offense in St. Louis that could generously be described as 23rd, 30th, and 28th in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE* in total yards (2012-2014) and 25th, 30th, and 28th in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE* in total points, Brian Schottenheimer now finds himself coordinating offense and coaching quarterbacks at Georgia. Though he has not coached in college since 2000** when he was a tight ends coach at USC, Mark Richt believed him to be the right person to best allow Georgia to continue doing what they do on offense (minus two times a year against inferior teams).
*required by law to state it this way
**Only other year of college coaching was in 1999 as Syracuse’s wide receivers coach
As early reports mention, Schottenheimer is keeping things mostly the same, but he is changing the terminology. As quarterback Brice Ramsey said, “Stuff that we called one thing is the same thing in different verbiage.”
In Schottenheimer’s goal to not reinvent the wheel, but call it other things, you will have no finer example of the NFL taking something pretty basic and adding dozens of layers of unnecessary. Why does the NFL do this? Because the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE IS A MAN’S GAME WITH A MAN’S WAY OF SPEAKING HUSH NOW LADIES THE MEN ARE HERE AND TALKING IMPORTANT TALK THAT YOU CAN’T UNDERSTAND.
So let’s join in the fun of ruining things by making them longer, more boring, and perfectly sterile. Here are names for the wheel that are not “wheel”.
1) Circle that enables transportation from here to there and back from there to here
2) Oval-shaped, but not a true oval, more like a, what’s the word….whe…no, hold on, oh, circle
3) The building block of mass transportation throughout human history
4) Disk that allows for heavy objects to be moved with relative ease
5) Circle Jet Z Red Dog Delta Baltic 549 Basic Nebraska 18 Green Dragon 6
6) Whovaltine potion for making you move according to your wishes
7) Circulators that provide movement to things that can take us places when we want to go to those place at certain times
8) THIS INVENTION – A GREAT INVENTION – REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THIS INVENTION
9) The offensive line of your car if your offensive line was made of vulcanized rubber
10) The thing that needs occasional filling when it gets cold and the air pressure inside of it changes
11) It probably can’t protect The Shield, but it could help you get to wherever you needed to protect The Shield
12) Concussion-proof object, but it can be punctured because it’s ultimately too weak, just like those clamoring for player safety
13) Looks like a ring, but doesn’t have the diamonds on diamond on diamonds that WORLD CHAMPIONS EARN WHEN THEY HOIST THE LOMBARDI TROPHY
14) It can roll, which eases the burden of having to carry something everywhere, though real men were forged through carrying heavy things everywhere
15) Lacks the grit of a square wheel, which leads to softness IMHO
16) Anonymous scouts aren’t totally sold on it, citing “a long history of breakdowns on the side of the road”
17) Carrier of goods and services across lands to people who are in need of goods and services because goods and services are things we all need in order to sustain ourselves plus to make goods and services you need goods and services because goods and services give us the energy and capability to make more goods and services that can be used by people who require those goods and services to live a life in which goods and services provide them with a higher quality of life
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