Bruce Pearl, pictured with Auburn basketball fans
“LET’S GET TO BUILDING US A PROGRAM, RIGHT? GONNA START BY FINDING GREAT YOUNG MEN WHO ARE TALENTED BASKETBALL PLAYERS.”
Well, that sounds good and all, but there’s one slight problem – you can’t have any contact with recruits until near the end of August.
“SAY WHAT?”
Your three-year show cause penalty doesn’t expire until late August.
“YOU MEAN THAT THING WITH THE BARBEQUE AT MY HOUSE?”
Yes, but you didn’t have a barbeque, you had a cookout. Cookouts involve a grilling things like hamburgers and hot dogs on a grill.
While people argue about this next statement, a barbeque isn’t really a thing. However, some people do use barbeque as a noun when they are hosting a party in which they barbecue various meat products.
I’m not sure I totally agree with that use of the word, but it doesn’t bother me enough to say something about it. Plus, I want to eat whatever it is they’re serving.
But one thing is certain, the presence of an operating grill, hamburger patties, hot dogs, and buns does not mean a barbeque is taking place.
“I SEE.”
I know, it can be confusing to people not from the South.
“SO I NEVER HAD A BARBEQUE?”
Correct.
“SO I NEVER DID ANYTHING WRONG?”
Incorrect. First, you labeled a cookout a barbeque, which, as we just discussed, is way wrong, and then there’s the whole part about you lying to the NCAA about the cookout at your house.
“SO I SCREWED UP DIDN’T I?”
Yes, you did.
“AND I CAN’T RECRUIT UNTIL ALMOST SEPTEMBER?”
That’s right.
“WHO WOULD HIRE SOMEONE WHO CAN’T DO HIS JOB FOR THE FIRST FIVE MONTHS HE’S EMPLOYED, AND WILL NO DOUBT BRING ON THE INTENSE GLARE OF NCAA FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE?”
I take it you’re unfamiliar with Auburn.
“NEVER HEARD OF ‘EM UNTIL THIS MORNING.”
I see.
“CAN YOU FILL ME IN WITH SOME DETAILS?”
Let’s see, where to start. Okay, I think the best place to start is with Pat Dye.
And you might need to stop pacing and sit down. This might take some time.
So, Pat Dye was the football coach in the 80s and early 90s…
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