Two days after Gus Malzahn informed the masses that wide receiver Duke Williams would spend the rest of the fall searching for an FCS school that might allow him to play this season, the last of many reasons for the dismissal was revealed. Allegedly, Williams went to one of Auburn’s 2.3 bars, and in a very #unblessed manner, started swinging at folks.
The final tally of people on the business end of Williams’ fists topped out at four, which is one fewer than the total touchdown passes thrown by Auburn quarterbacks this season. According to the diligent work by A-L DOT COM, the punching started some time after one of Williams’ friends was thrown out of a bar for wearing sunglasses, which violated the bar’s dress code (Baptists gonna let you have your bars, but you ain’t wearing no sunglasses in them, son!).
Williams tried to convince security to let his friend back in, and much like Auburn’s offense, failed to achieve a positive result, which eventually resulted in him also getting thrown out, and concluded with him throwing punches as he tried to get back in the bar. SHOULDA HAD GENE CHIZIK’S PRIVATE DETECTIVES THERE TO SORT THINGS OUT.
Anyhow, punching four people in the span of what had to be less than 20 seconds or so is pretty impressive. Most people, despite being completely moronic in their late teens through their mid-20s, probably don’t punch four people total over that 10-year period (ASIDE: if you like to fight in bars, don’t go to bars; but if you do, nothing helps my soul rejoice more than morons getting thrown out of bars). So, as you can see, Duke Williams is setting a BLISTERING pace.
While four people is a lot, the question that needs to be asked is how much damage is Williams doing to the populations of the city of Auburn and Lee County? A great question indeed, Gray, so let’s run the numbers and get some answers around here for a change.
City of Auburn
Total population: 60,258
People punched by Duke Williams on Saturday night: 4
People not punched by Duke Williams on Saturday night: 60,254
Percent chance an Auburn citizen, who went out or was at work Saturday night, was punched by Duke Williams: .000066%
Percent chance an Auburn citizen, who went out or was at work Saturday night, was not punched by Duke Williams: 99.999934%
Percent chance Shaun White throws a touchdown pass in a conference game: .000066%
Lee County
Total population: 140, 247
People punched by Duke Williams on Saturday night: 4
People not punched by Duke Williams on Saturday night: 140,243
Percent chance a Lee County citizen, who went out or was at work Saturday night, was punched by Duke Williams: .000028%
Percent chance a Lee County citizen, who went out or was at work Saturday night, was not punched by Duke Williams: 99.999972%
Percent chance Jeremy Johnson throws another touchdown pass in a conference game: .000028%
Columbus, GA-Auburn-Opelika Area
Total population: 501,649
People punched by Duke Williams on Saturday night: 4
People not punched by Duke Williams on Saturday night: 501,645
Percent chance a Columbus, GA-Auburn-Opelika area citizen, who went out or was at work Saturday night, was punched by Duke Williams: .0000079%
Percent chance a Columbus, GA-Auburn-Opelika area citizen, who went out or was at work Saturday night, was not punched by Duke Williams: 99.9999921%
Percent chance Auburn fans handle this season with disappointed, yet rational, non-insane, non-secret-board-of-trustee-meetings, non-inquiries-into-other-coaches, non-25,000-word-message-board-posts, and non-anti-family behavior: .0000079%
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