Thanks to the Internet’s never-ending quest to deliver entertainment, video of Gus Malzahn not wearing parachute pants, which is the real crime here, and dancing to “U Can’t Touch This” has seen the light of day. Making it even better, it apparently takes place at a Six Flags, which is second to only Pigeon Forge as the most perfect Gus Malzahn vacation.
Today, Hugh Freeze was on the SEC teleconference and, while being asked questions about having his insides turned to gruel last Saturday, was asked about the Malzahn dance video. Freeze, a competent user of the Internet, said that he had seen it and added this:
Hugh Freeze asked about Malzahn break dancing video. First thought? “No way is that real … I think I can take him in a dance contest”
— Edward Aschoff (@AschoffESPN) November 5, 2014
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NOW WE’RE JUST BEING SILLY. That dance contest is only ending in one way.
As Freeze enters the homestretch of his performance to “Push It” by Salt-n-Pepa, which has totally ignited the crowd, a truck loaded with lard and whatever other fixins the Waffle House needs to make the hash browns SO DELICIOUS careens off the road, smashes through the walls of wherever they’re having this contest, spilling its contents all over the dance floor, rendering it incapable of holding dance moves, despite this, Freeze continues to contort his hips, but it’s clearly not the same, however, just maybe he might be able to pull it off, that is until two judges collide with one another due to all the stuff on floor, which prevents them from inputting a score that could match the 9.7 out of 10 they awarded Malzahn, meaning Freeze takes a 0 out of 10, which is obviously going to hurt his score, but not as badly as the $180,000 given to one of the judges is going to, thankfully there are a few other judges left who can still score the contest, but one of them is still trying to get in the room and keeps hooking his entrance to the left, which keeps him outside and not watching THE MAJESTY OF HUGH FREEZE’S LOWER BODY AT WORK, then, the one judge who was ready to award Freeze the winner disappears like he’s Colonial Bank or something, which leaves only three judges who can still give Freeze the win, but unfortunately, Gene Chizik escaped from chaperoning a high school dance and is now bombarding them with shouts of “THAT’S GARBAGE”, which is preventing them from seeing Freeze do his thing, and then things go from really bad to the absolute worst when Chizik unhinges his jaw and eats all three of them, so without any pro-Freeze judges, Malzahn is declared the winner, despite only showcasing one spin move and a t-shirt tucked into his shorts.
There is NO OTHER LEGITIMATE ENDING SCENARIO for this contest.
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