Sharknado 2 premiered last night and was as Sharknado 2 as advertised. Earlier today, the preseason Coaches Poll was released, resulting in Internet shouting, which is the best kind of shouting.
When you combine those two events, you get a Sharkpollnado, which is nothing more than a list of things Houston Nutt noticed and ranked after watching the film. These rankings are as nonsensical as the actual Coaches Poll and everything else Houston Nutt has ever done.
25. “Coors Light close-up to open the movie. Cool. Refreshing. Silver. Not sure the beer is silver though. That would be different.”
24. “Pretty sure I saw a shark on a plane once. Might have been Nathan Stanley givin’ the landshark though. Too tough to tell.”
23. “You ever do one of those flight simulator things? Tried it once at Jimmy’s house. Ended up falling through his coffee table.”
22. “That said, fantastic job by the guy in the shark necklace landing that plane. I know how tough that was. And he did it without blowing up the plane. Never made it through a crisis without blowing something up.”
17. “Hey, that blonde girl. Looks familiar. Wasn’t she in one of those American Chicken Pot Pie movies?”
12. “Going to see the Statue of Liberty. Hooo boy, I remember that visit. Great time. Lots of pictures. Really moving. Best part was probably no sharks.”
14. “Is there gonna be this much blood the whole time? Man, don’t like that blood. Not a doctor. Don’t deal with it too good. Good people those doctors. See a lot of blood and patch people up.”
7. “So they’re going to this Mets game thing here, huh? Never got all that much into baseball. If I had to pick a team, wouldn’t be the Mets. Not gonna go watch a game at place where sharks can eat me.”
18. “I’m not understanding the weather patterns. It’s hot. It’s cold. Now it’s raining again. I need Al Roker to teach me the science things behind all this. High pressure, low pressure. Don’t forget about those pockets of Arctic air. Fascinating.”
11. “Now I like Al Roker. Sure do. Fine weatherman. But nothing beats Willard Scott. Good man, great man. Loved wishing happy birthdays. Hope I make it to 100 so Willard can wish me happy birthday.”
3. “A shame about that utility worker getting eaten by that alligator. Went head-to-head with some gators before. You might remember that day. Beat Urban and Tim and those boys in the famous Swamp. Even had a cooler smash me in the nose while we were celebrating.”
20. “Later that year, you know, we went to the Cotton Bowl. Went back again the next year. First time in 50 years – 50! – that had been done at Ole Miss. 50!
9. “Watching this subway thing fill up with water is a reason I don’t ride ’em. Being trapped down in a hole like that. Feel like the walls are closing in. I mean, I always feel like the walls are closing in, but put me in a subway, and oh, man, they’re just right on top of me.”
5. “These folks learned the hard way about riding on subways. Bad idea. And you could get eaten by a shark.”
16. “I tell you what, this is a nice family they got here. Care about each other. Doesn’t mean they don’t have their differences. Sort of like when the extended Nutt family gets together. Great time. Can get heated when the Go Fish tournament gets going, but we still love each other when it’s all over.”
8. “They’re shooting these homemade bombs at the Sharknada here, and it isn’t really working. I don’t know how you scheme against a thing like a Sharknada, but I do know it’s nothing a Mike Markuson power play off the right side can’t overcome.”
21. “Now defending a Sharknada is a little different. I like to attack, but sometimes you gotta defend. That’s the way the rules work. Sometimes you’re on offense, sometimes you’re on defense. And sometimes you have to punt or kick it. These are all good rules.”
13. “I like how that ol’ boy in the shark necklace just slung that axe sideways into the shark. Arm angle. Dropping it down in the slot. We teach our quarterbacks you gotta do that sometimes when the pocket is getting in your face. Get the ball out how you can. Sling it out there.”
10. “About time the city government stepped in and gave these folks some help. Like us coaches, the government is in the people heppin’ business.”
2. “Sharks may be a heckuva predator, but don’t seem to smart to me. That shark just ran itself straight through that chainsaw. Cut clean in half. A precision cut. Reminds me of how I like my fish. Thin strips cut straight down the middle. Lightly grilled, add some lemon pepper.”
6. “So they’re gonna use electricity and a skyscraper to bring this thing down? Sounds like an experiment run by Bill Dye the Scientist Guy. Smart guy knowing all that science.”
15. “Well, look at that. It looks like it worked. Maybe. Plenty of sharks still soaring around. I’d watch out if I were up there near all those sharks.”
4. “Oh, wow, the blonde Pot Pie girl just sliced one open with her power tool hand. Timing and courage right there. That’d make Tim Taylor proud. Liked his show, Home Improving. Real funny. Used to watch it back when there was some good TV. Always thought his buddy Al would be a good assistant coach.”
19. “That old man throwing chainsaws in the air is using an old Nutt family secret. In the summer, we used to get gnats and mosquitoes so big outside the house that you’d hit ’em with the swatter and they’d just laugh at you. So we finally got to where we’d fire up the chainsaws, throw ’em in the air, and that was the last we saw of all those bugs.”
1. “Sweet proposal there at the end. Reminds me of mine. Though, come to think of it, I don’t recall any dead sharks or severed limbs. Pretty sure it was fairly normal. Minus the ring falling down the back of my shirt. Still not sure how that happened. But, hey, eventually got it on that finger.”
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