Important Facts For Ole Miss And Mississippi State Fans To Remember Before The Egg Bowl

On Saturday, Ole Miss and Mississippi State will compete in a game of football against each other for the 111th time, with exactly 111 of those being fueled by non-energy-efficient vigorous hate (TAKE YOUR CLEAN ENERGY HATE SOMEWHERE ELSE, DIRTY HIPPIES). Unlike roughly 70 or so of those, this one is being played between two competent teams.

I’d have to check the archives, which I will not do, but I would imagine there hasn’t been an Egg Bowl in which the teams combined for 18 wins. And on top of that, Mississippi State is playing for the right to eventually be screwed over by the college football playoff committee, who will no doubt inexplicably slip in Ohio State over the Bulldogs (assuming they beat Ole Miss on Saturday).

So there’s your general summary of this year’s Egg Bowl, but for those of us who have to go through this game, we need more details. Details that are 100% confirmed to be true, no doubt about it, heard it from a friend of a friend of a friend who has a lemur, so you can trust this information.

These are the details we recite to confirm to ourselves that we do cheer for the morally superior school, a school we chose to cheer for due to the total control we had over where we were born, to whom we were born, and the people who influenced us the most. So remember these as kickoff approaches and use them to fuel your non-energy-efficient hate and moral chest-thumping.

Facts About Mississippi State

• Once known as Mississippi A&M, the “A&M” was eventually exchanged for “State” due to an attempt to cover up a love of the ampersand, which is one of the Devil’s symbols
• Speaking of the Dark Prince, Jackie Sherrill has one of those red phones like the White House has to call Russia, but his phone only dials Satan
• Starkville was chosen as the site of Mississippi A&M because that’s where its original board of trustees, mostly dairy cows and one bird along for the ride, stopped to rest and never felt like leaving
• Sylvester Croom was named head coach at State because his Peepin’ Crooms act killed in the interview
• Dan Mullen knows Tom Cruise personally and has sat at his table at many church fundraisers
• In fact, they’re such good friends, Mullen will have a cameo in one of Cruise’s next movies; he’ll play Robot Engineer #2 and tell Cruise the specifications of his robot suit, so that he knows what to do when the evil robots who can travel diagonally through time show up ready to fight
• Dak Prescott only takes classes taught by genetics professor Dr. Dontae’ Jones
• Mullen doesn’t refer to Ole Miss as “The School Up North” because he’s excessively petty, but because the church places strict limits on his vocabulary
• If you were to compare old Soviet propaganda and “Our State” messaging, someone at Mississippi State would be charged with plagiarism
• Scientists at State have been hard at work, but continue to be baffled by how to cure Little Brother AIDS

Facts About Ole Miss

• Ole Miss was originally founded to teach rich people how to be better at trading slaves
• Students were only allowed to major in slave trading, but could earn a minor in plantation design
• Oxford was only named “Oxford” because no one could come up with a subtle name for “White Power, Mississippi”
• James Meredith attending Ole Miss was filmed in the same studio where they filmed the moon landing
• Billy Brewer not only gave players cash handouts at every turn, but he also signed them up multiple times for the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes
• The Mississippi Legislature does not require trial lawyers to pay state income taxes, and provides them with hunting camps throughout the state that can be borrowed by the Ole Miss coaching staff for recruiting purposes
• Hugh Freeze was never baptized
• Bo Wallace has been arrested 83 times by Oxford police, but is usually let go with a warning because he’s the most sober person driving everyone home from the weekly police/football team alcohol and illegal drugs parties
• The Nkemdiche brothers are 452 students away from punching and stomping every Ole Miss student on campus
• Ross Bjork is actually a prominent figure in the underground lucha libre scene, wrestling under the name “El Atletismo Diablo”