On a day in which he will not be fielding calls from some of Alabama’s finest orators, Paul Finebaum will be in The Grove, offering words of wisdom to a crowd that could include the next Dickie Scruggs. The Ole Miss Law School, after a search that no doubt looked at every reasonable celebrity-ish person within one day’s drive, announced that Finebaum will speak at graduation ceremonies on Saturday, May 9th.
While Finebaum has no connection to Ole Miss other than praise for The Grove, he does have some experience with the law. You may recall the time he had to give testimony in a case involving high school football recruiting in Memphis (the one where Phil Fulmer skipped SEC Media Days so he couldn’t be subpoenaed). And there was that time the Alabama Supreme Court ruled in his favor in a defamation lawsuit (surprisingly, it did not involve any of his callers).
Throw in the other times he’s been involved in legal proceedings that don’t show up on the first page of a Google search, and Finebaum has enough courtroom experience to offer some advice. Especially to law school students who have no idea how the real world works.
Brief aside: If you are ever trapped in a conversation with more than one law school student, you have walked through the gates of hell. The first move is to maintain your composure, then try to hold your breath until you pass out. That is the safest and most painless way to get out of that conversation.
So what might Finebaum impart to a group of future trial lawyers? How about a three-point plan to ensure success in the courtroom, which will lead to more lawsuits and more lawyerin’ than they can handle.
POINT ONE
If the jury pool contains people named Phyllis, I-Man, Charles from Reeltown, or Tammy, GET THEM ON THE JURY. These people have murdered all ration and reason within themselves, and will probably one day send you threatening letters, but if you want a wildcard jury, do whatever it takes to keep them from going to back to wherever their telephones live.
POINT TWO
Antagonize, antagonize, antagonize.
The bread is buttered here, ladies and gentlemen. Even when you think you’ve gone too far, maybe with a judge, you double down on the antagonizing without flinching.
There is no such thing as too much antagonizing. However, the key to truly great antagonizing, whether it be the opposing counsel or a witness, is to do it without letting them believe you’re intentionally doing it.
At first, they’ll assume something is wrong with you. But as you press on, they’ll come to believe that you really believe what you’re saying, and then they’ll assume they’ve gone insane because you’re acting so normal around insane thoughts. AND THEN YOU’VE GOT ‘EM.
If you master this art, which is the finest art our country has to offer, Point Three will fall from the sky.
POINT THREE
Keep cashing the checks. Two houses? Beach house? Four houses and a beach house? And you use a Gulfstream to get to all of them?
OH, GRASSHOPPERS, THAT LIFE AWAITS IF YOU FOLLOW THIS PLAN*
Godspeed, and may a tobacco/insurance/oil industry punitive damages check find its way to your bank account.
*Assuming you do NOT attempt to bribe some judge in a dumb case
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