Weekend Forecast Back!

After going dormant for the early part of the 2016 season due to time constraints and a zest for not doing this, we’re back in the game, friends! That’s right, weekly picks that are guaranteed to hover around .500 before a catastrophic collapse in the final two weeks of the season. It is this site’s #brand.

If you’re unfamiliar with how this operation works, I roll through the SEC games, offer some scalding hot takes, and attempt to pick a winner against the spread. So, you know, pretty much like every other picks COLUMN in the world.

In years past, I have attempted to bet on these games to expand Houston Nutt’s straw hat collection and see how much of of his $4.35 million buyout from Ole Miss I could waste. This year, instead of wagering things, I’ll ask myself three simple questions and answer based on how the picks are going.

Those three questions?

Can I trust you?
LOL NO.

Are you committed?
A very good chance I’ll forget to do these next week.

Do you care?
Impossible.

PICKS

Mississippi State at BYU (-7)
Granted, I have not watched a significant amount of Mississippi State football, but one of their strengths appears to be Nick Fitzgerald throwing incomplete passes. In front of the receiver, behind the receiver, over the receiver, short of the receiver, five yards short of the receiver, he can put it anywhere.

And let us not forget this Mississippi State team had two weeks to get ready for a very beatable Auburn team, yet found themselves down 35-0 at halftime. HALFTIME.

I’m sure they figured it all out on a short week before leaving for Provo on Thursday.

Vanderbilt at Georgia (-14)
This game is for everyone who missed Georgia/South Carolina last Sunday and wants to see a replay of it, but only at 65% of the quality.

Alabama (-12.5) at Tennessee
Tennessee’s weekly competition of seeing how close they can get to the edge of the Canyon of Destruction without falling in moves the difficulty bar much further to the right. Another half dozen lost fumbles might mean Alabama thrashes the Volunteers, but never doubt the Butch Jones-inspired purple-faced rage magic that could take Tennessee up to 11 turnovers and still have a chance to win with a few minutes left until Josh Dobbs helps the Tide scored yet another defensive touchdown to cover.

Missouri (+13.5) at Florida
Now that the Florida/LSU game has been rescheduled in Baton Rouge, this is the best home game of the year for Florida. Other contestants included UMass, Kentucky, North Texas, and South Carolina.

So congratulations to you, Missouri, for you are the most capable of turning a game against Florida into a contest of three-and-outs for three and a half hours.

Ole Miss (-7.5) at Arkansas
It’s very possible the losing quarterback here could throw for 500 yards and 5 touchdowns, which makes me TENSE UP. It’s also very possible this game could take longer than a 2:30 CBS game, which makes me FEEL THE LIFE DRAIN OUT OF ME.

I should’ve spent this week practicing pacing in my living room. Can’t afford to go down early the in fourth quarter when the team needs me to be yelling unhelpful things at the TV.

Southern Mississippi (+25.5) at LSU
Six games left in the Ed Orgeron audition for the role as LSU’s head coach. While I expect the outcome Saturday night will never be in doubt, it may not be all that impressive, which means Orgeron won’t lead off his PowerPoint presentation with this game. Instead, he’ll probably put it somewhere in the middle of all the slides.