One of America’s favorite past times, particularly in the South, is telling strangers online that the city or town they like for very particular and personal reasons SUCKS, BRO. This is always followed by a statement that says something along the lines of “the place I like is WAY BETTER, BRO, BECAUSE IT JUST IS”.
And in a flash, an argument explodes over which places are better or worse than others. These arguments are the stupidest of arguments and they eventually lead to polls of personal preference, like this one, because websites looking for content/clicks/traffic know that people are going to read it so they can use the results to go back to said strangers (or new ones) and yell, “TOLD YOU, BRO”.
There is little worth that comes out of this cycle of madness, but what sliver of worth does emerge is a delight. Mostly because, for some, these polls of personal preferences offend the very core of their being.
By saying “I prefer this town over this other one because I have no emotional connection to either, and town #1 has more things that I like to do”, one may as well have gone to the offended’s home, not commented on how nice everything was (most notably the new couch), refused a complimentary beverage, declined an invitation for something to eat, rejected multiple offers to have a seat, dared to claim “I’m only gonna stay for a few minutes”, and before leaving, did not ask about the offended’s momma and daddy. Also, burned their house down and salted the earth on which it sat.
While everyone should enjoy the overreactions to opinions, it would be nice if these rankings were more concrete to help everyone calm down a little bit. So to make those whose favorite SEC town, city, or village usually ends up at the bottom of the rankings feel better, I’ve created 10 rankings that are based on facts (#facts).
I chose to do a variety of rankings to give locations as many chances as possible to appear in the upper portion of the rankings. This way, more people can feel better about the place they love and in which they saw their lives change over other places to which they have minimal exposure.
TO THE POLLS:
Alphabetically
1. Athens
2. Auburn
3. Baton Rouge
4. College Station
5. Columbia (MO)
5. Columbia (SC)
7. Fayetteville
8. Gainesville
9. Knoxville
10. Lexington
11. Nashville
12. Oxford
13. Starkville
14. Tuscaloosa
Word Length
1. College Station
2. Fayetteville
3. Gainesville
4. Baton Rouge
4. Tuscaloosa
4. Starkville
7. Nashville
7. Knoxville
7. Lexington
10. Columbia (SC)
10. Columbia (MO)
12. Oxford
12. Athens
12. Auburn
Year Founded/Established/People Started Squatting There According to Wikipedia
1. Baton Rouge (1719)
2. Nashville (1779)
3. Lexington (1782)
4. Columbia, South Carolina (1786)
5. Knoxville (1791)
6. Athens (1806)
7. Tuscaloosa (1819)
8. Columbia, Missouri (1820)
9. Fayetteville (1829)
10. Starkville (1835)
11. Oxford (1837)
12. Auburn (1839)
13. Gainesville (1853)
14. College Station (1860)
Can It Be Found On A Map?
1. Athens
1. Auburn
1. Baton Rouge
1. College Station
1. Columbia (MO)
1. Columbia (SC)
1. Fayetteville
1. Gainesville
1. Knoxville
1. Lexington
1. Nashville
1. Oxford
1. Starkville
1. Tuscaloosa
West To East According To Me Eyeballing A Map
1. College Station
2. Fayetteville
3. Columbia (MO)
4. Baton Rouge
5. Oxford
6. Starkville
7. Tuscaloosa
8. Nashville
9. Auburn
10. Lexington
11. Knoxville
12. Athens
13. Gainesville
14. Columbia (SC)
East To West According To Me Flipping The Previous Ranking Around
1. Columbia (SC)
2. Gainesville
3. Athens
4. Knoxville
5. Lexington
6. Auburn
7. Nashville
8. Tuscaloosa
9. Starkville
10. Oxford
11. Baton Rouge
12. Columbia (MO)
13. Fayetteville
14. College Station
Order In Which I Attended Games There (To The Best Of My Recollection)
1. Oxford
2. Starkville
3. Baton Rouge
4. Tuscaloosa
5. Auburn
6. Fayetteville
7. Athens
8. Nashville
9. Gainesville
10. Columbia (SC)
11. Knoxville
12. Lexington
13. College Station
14. Columbia (MO; yet to see a game there)
Closest to THE TIDE AND THE BAHR’S REMAINS AND SPIRIT
1. Tuscaloosa
2. Starkville
3. Auburn
4. Oxford
5. Nashville
6. Athens
7. Knoxville
8. Baton Rouge
9. Columbia (SC)
10. Lexington
10. Gainesville
12. Fayetteville
13. Columbia (MO)
14. College Station
Does It Have “-Ville” In Its Name?
1. Nashville
1. Knoxville
1. Starkville
1. Fayetteville
1. Gainesville
6. Athens
6. Oxford
6. Baton Rouge
6. Tuscaloosa
6. Auburn
6. Columbia (SC)
6. Columbia (MO)
6. College Station
6. Lexington
#Blessed
1. Auburn
2. Athens
2. Baton Rouge
2. College Station
2. Columbia (MO)
2. Columbia (SC)
2. Fayetteville
2. Gainesville
2. Knoxville
2. Lexington
2. Nashville
2. Oxford
2. Starkville
2. Tuscaloosa
Please, go forth and use these rankings in future shouting matches dealing with location superiority so that this argument will never die.
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