I can’t remember the last time I made predictions and took the time to write them down, and I have no plans to change that method. Instead, I put that burden of potentially being horribly wrong on you.
From now until the start of the season (hopefully), I’ll ask six extremely important and detailed questions about each team in the SEC and provide answers to these questions. With the answers to these well-researched questions, you should have all the material you need to make informed predictions about each team, which, if you are super-confident, you should attempt to turn into financial reward for yourself.
And if you don’t trust my minutes of research and thought, feel free to answer the questions yourself and be SO VERY WRONG.
Today’s teams: Missouri and Arkansas
MISSOURI
1) Without looking, can you name three players on the team? Because if you can’t name three players, the team is either severely lacking in experienced talent or you don’t pay that close of attention to other teams due to all the stuff you have to remember on a day-to-day basis.
Oh boy. Let’s see, there’s Maty Mauk, the starting quarterback. If Bud Sasser is still around at receiver, he counts (he is still around!). And then there’s Evan Boehm, who is on the offensive line and I remember because he was recently hit in the junk with a snap while at practice.
2) Would you trust the head coach to successfully run the Country Jamboree Rec Center Car Wash Benefit?
I would feel confident enough to send my car through the army of hoses and sponges, with Gary Pinkel blank-staring at the process.
3) Can the quarterback throw the ball over them mountains?
I saw Maty Mauk play last year in Oxford and, while I’m not sold on a mountain, he could probably get it over one of the hill/kinda-mountains in the Ozarks. Of course, it was miserably cold that night, so my mind was mostly concentrating on willing the wind to stop blowing to keep us from freezing to death.
4) Can you reasonably expect to escape injury if forced to hold the ball behind the offensive line for at least four seconds while a defense rushes you?
Evan Boehm proved that his head is always on such a swivel that he doesn’t even notice things shooting at his groin area. So, yes, I feel confident about no injury.
5) Does the offensive coordinator know the right times to RUN THE DANG BALL?
Last year, Missouri’s offense looked outstanding at times and then sort of blah at times, but leaning more toward outstanding. This is an indicator that there is a strong degree of competence running the show, unless it’s trying to build on a 17-0 lead over South Carolina to clinch the SEC East title at home.
6) Can the defense reasonably expect to surrender at least two career-high statistical days to opposing offensive players during the season?
The Missouri defense last year was a pretty solid to good defense. And despite losing some starters from last year, this group should hover mostly in the solid category. So, NO. They will NOT give up at least two career-high days this season.
ARKANSAS
1) Without looking, can you name three players on the team? Because if you can’t name three players, the team is either severely lacking in experienced talent or you don’t pay that close of attention to other teams due to all the stuff you have to remember on a day-to-day basis.
Brandon Allen, the starting quarterback. Alex Collins and Jonathan Williams, the two feature running backs, and then zero others.
2) Would you trust the head coach to successfully run the Country Jamboree Rec Center Car Wash Benefit?
Of course. While BERT’s ability to get cars quickly through the human washing gauntlet would certainly hurt revenue, the slow speed would ensure quality washes and no injuries (according to BERT Stats).
3) Can the quarterback throw the ball over them mountains?
Unsure. BERT’s plan to get the ball over the mountains is to run Collins and Williams repeatedly into the mountains until they break into a billion pieces.
4) Can you reasonably expect to escape injury if forced to hold the ball behind the offensive line for at least four seconds while a defense rushes you?
BERT doesn’t believe in pass blocking technique. He believes in less aggressive run blocking technique. So, no. You would probably be severely injured.
5) Does the offensive coordinator know the right times to RUN THE DANG BALL?
YOU BET. In fact, RUN THE DANG BALL time is ALL THE DANG TIME. However, if Arkansas wants to achieve mediocre status on offense, they’ll need to find some ability to throw.
6) Can the defense reasonably expect to surrender at least two career-high statistical days to opposing offensive players during the season?
YOU BET AGAIN. The defense may not be as bad as they were last year, but even significant improvement will land them in the “not good” category.
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