Celebrating success usually sucks up most of everyone’s attention, but it’s about time celebrating spectacular failure got its fair share of recognition. If you read during the football season, you know about the always exciting race for the Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure, presented in its radiant glory here:
For those of you who don’t know, this award goes to the quarterback who throws the most interceptions in the regular season. Bo Wallace’s name has yet to be engraved as this year’s winner, but that’s because the trophy guy only works when I frantically remember that the trophy needs to be updated a few days before the season starts. And yes, that’s three winners from Ole Miss in four years. But what else should you expect from a school that, since 2004, has seen its quarterbacks throw 141 interceptions (15.7 a season; 139 TDs in that stretch).
Anyway, enough big picture talk that’s just gonna get me angry. Let’s celebrate those who were truly awful on at least one Saturday in 2012. These are in no ranked order, except for the ones with Kiehl Frazier. Those were the worst.
Kiehl Frazier: 11-27, 194 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT
Clemson 26, Auburn 19
Since it was the first game of the season, most everyone assumed Frazier’s overthrows and underthrows and nowherenearthrows were the result of nerves and playing in a new offense that wasn’t suited to his skills (most of which are still trying to be identified).
Kiehl Frazier: 13-22, 125 yards, 0 TD, 3 INTs, 2 fumbles
Mississippi State 28, Auburn 10
A week later, we had much more conclusive evidence that Frazier just wasn’t very good and NEITHER WAS AUBURN.
Brandon Allen: 10-18, 68 yards, 0 TD, 2 INTs
Alabama 52, Arkansas 0
Pressed into duty after Tyler Wilson was injured in the loss to Louisiana-Monroe (JOY OF ALL JOYS), Allen proved that he wasn’t quite ready to be even bad against one of the country’s best defenses.
Morgan Newton: 7-21, 48 yards, 0 TD, 3 INTs
Florida 38, Kentucky 0
Also coming off the bench, Newton cast serious doubt on whether he could hit the ocean while on a boat in the middle of it.
Kiehl Frazier: 13-22, 97 yards, 0 TD, 2 INTs
LSU 12, Auburn 10
If Frazier had not been drifting between grossly horrible and pretty horrible, Auburn very well could have beaten LSU, who, behind a standard Zach Mettenberger suckfest, did its best to do nothing.
Jalen Whitlow: 12-23, 114 yards, 0 TD, 2 INTs
South Carolina 38, Kentucky 17
Everyone lost when Auburn decided to put Kiehl Frazier on the shelf because the battle between him and the Kentucky quarterbacks for the worst numbers would have been something special.
Corbin Berkstresser: 9-30, 189 yards, 1 TD, 0 INT
Vanderbilt 19, Missouri 15
85 of those yards came on one touchdown pass, which otherwise puts Berkstresser at 8-29, 104 yards. Either way, his attempts/completions looks like part of an Allen Iverson box score back in the day.
Zach Mettenberger: 11-25, 158 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT
Florida 14, LSU 6
Even after looking through the box score for this game, I can’t really remember much from it. So, your mind really can block things out that were exceptionally excruciating to watch. #SCIENCE #NAPS
Jalen Whitlow: 10-21, 73 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT
Mississippi State 27, Kentucky 14
Whenever you can confuse Jalen Whitlow like that, you’ve got to believe in an 8-0 start.
Aaron Murray: 11-31, 109 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT
South Carolina 35, Georgia 7
At least Clowney didn’t do this to Aaron Murray:
Corbin Berkstresser: 12-29, 126 yards, 0 TD, 2 INTs
Alabama 42, Missouri 10
To be fair, it was raining really hard and it wasn’t even the worst Missouri quarterback performance.
Jalen Whitlow: 2-10, 83 yards, 1 TD, 0 INT
Arkansas 49, Kentucky 7
Though shortened by bad weather, 2-10 through just over two quarters of play was still pretty special. If only the weather wasn’t so surly, we could have seen special greatness. DAMN YOU, WEATHER.
Zach Mettenberger: 12-25, 148 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT
LSU 23, South Carolina 21
Though not bad by the Mettenberger Quarterback Performance Rating, it holds up against some of the other performances on this list. And, of course, LSU still won with it.
Dylan Thompson: 8-20, 83 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT
Connor Shaw: 9-20, 72 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT
Florida 44, South Carolina 11
Our first appearance of two quarterbacks from the same team in the SAME game. Fantastically, it wouldn’t be the last.
Tyler Bray: 13-27, 184 yards, 0 TD, 2 INT
Alabama 44, Tennessee 13
My favorite part of watching Tyler Bray play was recognizing the exact moment when his give-a-shit got turned off. Window the size of a quarter 30-yards down the field? GONNA TRY AND SQUEEZE IT IN.
Jalen Whitlow: 9-18, 76 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT
Corbin Berkstresser: 10-18, 71 yards, 0 TD, 2 INT
Missouri 33, Kentucky 10
This had to have been the worst game of the season, right? Did anyone who watched this game actually survive? Or was it like when the Nazis opened the Ark of the Covenant in Raider of the Lost Ark and everyone vanished after a horribly painful death?
James Franklin: 24-51, 0 TD, 4 INT
Florida 14, Missouri 7
There it is! The worst performance by a Missouri quarterback for the year.
Patrick Towles: 8-23, 93 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT
Jalen Whitlow: 5-12, 66 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT
Vanderbilt 40, Kentucky 0
And our second appearance of two quarterbacks from the same team in the same game. Man, Kentucky was so, so, so bad this year.
Tyler Bray: 11-29, 103 yards, 1 TD, 2 INT
Vanderbilt 41, Tennessee 18
Not sure the give-a-shit was ever turned for this game. The next week, he threw 4 TDs against Kentucky (but who didn’t!), which is a shame, because Bray’s last game should have involved at least six interceptions with four touchdowns.
Jonathan Wallace: 5-14, 71 yards, 0 TD, 2 INT
Alabama 49, Auburn 0
Kiehl Frazier’s understudy learned from the best.
Tyler Russell: 12-28, 106 yards, 2 TD, 4 INTs
Northwestern 34, Mississippi State 20
Many a young man has failed to take the stage in Jacksonville. Usually because he’s face down in the dirty sand.
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