Thanks to Charlie Sheen’s 20/20 interview, America now has a feel for what it’s been like to sit through a Snoop Manuel news conference. Only differences? Sheen only needed an hour while Snoop needed two and a half years. And Charlie went through a mountain of drugs to achieve whatever state he’s in. Snoop confused the hell out of us while clean and sober, and that takes some serious talent.
So I played a fun game and I hope you’ll play along at home: I matched the Charlie Sheen quote with the Met type who we think probably said it at some point during his career. Enjoy:
“There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.” -Sandy Alderson
“Let’s hook up and just bring fiery death.” Guillermo Mota to Aaron Heilman
“We’re Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be?” -Mike Piazza
“Get over here and enjoy the ride, bro. We’re starting to win.” Jeff Francoeur to Alex Cora in Texas
“I wanted to watch Jaws on the ocean in the dark and be afraid.” -Ryan Church on that flight to Denver
“I dare you to keep up with me.” -Jose Reyes
“I literally woke up and it was Christmas.” -Anna Benson
“Sorry my life is so much more bitchin’ than yours. I planned it that way.” -Keith Hernandez
“I don’t think people are ready for the message I’m delivering.” -Terry Collins
“You’ve been warned dude. Bring it.” -Mike Pelfrey (to Chase Utley)
“I have a different constitution.” -Snoop Manuel
“We’re on a rocket ship to the moon some nights.” -Jason Bay
“Sorry man, didn’t make the rules.” -Howard Johnson
“Why give an interview when you can leave a warning?” -Billy Wagner
“I can’t make up a hernia. That’s just lame.” -Rickey Henderson
“This contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power.” -Darryl Strawberry to Wally Backman in 1987
“What’s the cure? Medicine?” -Ray Ramirez
“Resentments are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my saber.” Jim Duquette
“I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total, bitchin’ rock star from Mars.” – David Wright
“I use a blender. I use a vacuum cleaner.” -Art Howe
“I’ve got tiger blood and Adonis DNA.” -Ike Davis
“Let’s talk about something exciting. Me.” -Gary Sheffield
“Good luck on your travels. You’re going to need it. Badly.” Omar Minaya to Willie Randolph at 3AM
“Rock bottom? That’s a fishing term.” -Oliver Perez
“Imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists.” -Tony Bernazard
“Drug tests don’t lie.” -Derek Bell
“I’ve been a veteran of the unspeakable.” -Tom Glavine
“Apocalypse Now will teach you how to live inside of a moment between a moment.” -Paul Lo Duca
“It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view.” -The Home Run Apple
“I look at the game of baseball and I’m reminded of a quote that I wrote.” -Jeff Wilpon
“The scoreboard doesn’t lie. Never has.” -Armando Benitez
“If you’re a part of my family, I will love you violently.”-Francisco Rodriguez
“Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words.” -R.A. Dickey
“Thought you were messing with one dude? Sorry.” -Scott Hairston
“I’m rolling out magic, bro.” -Angel Pagan
“I’m not taking it. I had to pay for it.” -Tony Tarasco
“I don’t live in the middle anymore. That’s where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen.” -Carlos Beltran
“I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a seven-year-old.” -Julio Franco
“I’ve spent close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold.” -Fred Wilpon
And finally …
“WINNING.” -Charlie Samuels
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