All right, let’s get this out of the way right now: R.A. Dickey struggled with his control during the home opener because he broke a nail.
That’s right, get all the jokes out of the way now. And then, if you happened to make any jokes, proceed to the nearest lake and jump. It’ll be a far less painful fate you will suffer than if Dickey finds you. Because once he staples that nail together and spits on it, he will find you. And he will kill you. But not before he makes you suffer.
Okay, that said, the Mets didn’t lose because Dickey broke a nail and walked five in five innings. The Mets lost because they couldn’t get a timely hit off of Tyler Clippard, who I hate more and more with every passing day. I mean, every damn time Clippard has a chance to make the Mets miserable, he does. It never fails. Down by a run in the seventh, Mets put together a rally and get a couple of guys on … and here comes Clippard to make Jose Reyes and Angel Pagan look like damn fools. And of course, the Nats put the game away in the eighth with three runs making Clippard’s outing key, as they always are against the Mets. It’s like he carries arsenic to the mound for crying out loud.
But there will be good memories of the opener, mainly Ralph Kiner’s ceremonial first pitch. It made us cheer. It brought back memories. It cemented bonds between fathers and sons. And it also made Jeff Francoeur swing and miss all the way from Detroit. (Though I’ve known broadsides of barns that made Frenchy swing and miss.)
Also, we found out who’s on notice … as with no Oliver Perez and Luis Castillo to kick around, Met fans always need one, preferably two whipping boys. Stepping up to the plate to be booed on the baseline during introductions are Frankie Rodriguez and Mike Pelfrey. Rodriguez has done enough to deserve that. Let’s just be thankful that he’s only finished one game so far, as finally the Mets have a manager who knows enough not to put his closer in during dumb situations like down three runs in the eighth. As for Pelfrey? Remember that this is a fan base that booed Carlos Beltran during Opening Day ’06. And that was after the team won 83 games and had money in the bank. Now? All bets are off with our cute little angry fan base. Maybe booing a guy who gets rattled by warm milk isn’t the best tact to take with a pitcher, but what do I know? I’m the same guy who caused Lenny Harris to laugh while I was heckling Donne Wall. Heckling a guy who will get mad enough to channel his anger into something good would be a better idea. I’d swear that I made John Franco so mad once that I willed him to a save (yelling “ball one” while a pitcher is in his windup probably isn’t cool.) But there’s a difference between poking a stick at a pit bull and rubbing a beagle’s nose in his own poop.
(Editor’s note: This website does not condone poking dogs with sticks or rubbing their noses in poop. It does condone heckling Donne Wall while he’s buying milk at the Piggly Wiggly.)
(Okay, maybe I don’t condone that either. Gee, you guys are no fun.)
Saturday is another day. Thankfully, our government will still be functional for it as it has voted not to shut down. This means that the Shake Shack and the Taqueria will be open for Game 2 at Citi Field as Chris Capuano makes his Mets debut as a starter. But our government coming close to imposing a shutdown leaves us all with one question:
Who the hell elected Derek Bell?
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