The Mets continued their new strategy of signing players who were somewhat healthy in 2011 by signing Ronny Cedeno to back up Ruben Tejada, start when Tejada gets booed mercilessly for not being named “Reyes”, or take over at third base after David Wright gets traded for three overhyped prospects, a framed photo of Dante Bichette’s home run off Mike Remlinger in 1995, and a sock. Always thinking ahead.
Cedeno is seen here with a fake mustache that he drew on with eye-black during a game. Cedeno will be discouraged from doing this during his time with the Mets, as eye black cost money and real mustache hair is free to grow. (But if Ronny wants to look older, he did the right thing coming to the Mets. That’ll add years to his life in April alone.) The Mets have to save coin … which is why they hired CRG.
Turnaround specialists like CRG rarely win popularity contests. That’s because they help companies reduce expenses by taking unsavory steps like closing stores, shuttering factories, laying off workers and asking lenders to write off some of their clients’ debts.
Great, Shake Shack will close, McFadden’s will be shuttered, and Johan Santana will be laid off and forced to find a job selling left-handed pens. And we’ll all be at Citi Field on the Brooklyn Burger line but the Brooklyn Burger line won’t move. It won’t move because the burger flippers were laid off to retain cost certainty. And those burgers named after Keith Hernandez? Well they’re going to have to be named after Shingo Takatsu because Keith will be laid off too. In fact, all your favorite television announcers will be laid off in favor of a more cost effective booth featuring Fran Healy, Joe Piscopo, and a pigeon (the pigeon that survives being turned into a “Takatsu Burger” because meat costs too much and will be shuttered by CRG.)
But don’t worry, Ronny Cedeno will get a million bucks. With that eye black, he looks like it too.
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