Metfished

The cruel joke here is that the theme of the Mets’ off-season is quickly becoming players whose last relevant season was 2008, which just happens to be the last relevant season for the New York Mets. First, it was Grady Sizemore. Now, Daisuke Matsuzaka is the latest has-been who has been linked to the Mets, as it is being reported that Matsuzaka has narrowed his next employer to the Mets, Cleveland Indians, and Miami Marlins. Here’s a sample of the original story:

On 3 teams nominated, there are circumstances in each team. Mr. Lee was the military commander of the era Francona R socks until 11 years was appointed new coach. It’s a dress that lend a “helping hand” mentor you are familiar with the power of Matsuzaka. Ma army and people to the next release of the key players from the J · Johnson’s right arm high salary. I have switched to the youth-based team, the role of the leader of the pitching staff expectations. Released into the R · A · Blue Jays right arm Dickey Cy Young Award last season, starting pitching is insufficient memory frame troops. Financial power is not abundant, it seems eager to Matsuzaka is not applied funds required for the acquisition under the influence of failure.

Thanks to Google Translate, I have no idea what any of that means. So basically let me paraphrase that for you: Dice K’s career is in such a sad place that the three teams he has narrowed it down to for 2013 are three of the worst teams in captivity. Now here’s the twist:

A Mets source disputed the report to ESPN, saying “he does not believe the organization has spoken with Matsuzaka ‘at all.”

So is Matsuzaka going to claim that he was catfished in an interview with Jeremy Schapp? I mean, if Matsuzaka was lying about teams being interested in him or having any contact with him, why would he choose the three dregs of the universe to perpetuate a lie? Were the Newark Bears not interested? Was it actually former Buffalo Bison Matt Tuiasosopo who posed as a Met executive?

Then again, maybe the Mets are covering up the real truth: which is that the Mets want to sign Matsuzaka so that he can make home games longer with all of his walks, which will cram in more Shake Shack sales. I’d believe that before I’d believe that the Mets would sign him because they think he could actually be good. Let’s be real here: His best season was in 2008, and he led the American League in walks. Now, I was going to rework the old joke that says Daisuke Matsuzaka is Japanese for Oliver Perez. But I can’t … because it’s not a joke. Because while Matsuzaka was leading the A.L. in walks, Perez led the N.L. in walks that same year. So Daisuke Matsuzaka being Japanese for Oliver Perez has been proven to be true. And this is the guy that the Mets may or may not be thinking about signing? Do you remember Oliver Perez? Do you remember how watching Perez pitch made you wish you were piercing your private parts with a rusty nail and immediately dipping them in lemon juice instead? And remember when you did it you thought “I knew this was the less painful option”? Do we really want this back in our lives?

No outfield, no bullpen … yeah, lets add Daisuke Matsuzaka to that fun so we could lose in five hours instead of three.