The Island Of Misfit Closers

The Mets haven’t announced it officially yet, but it looks like the team will play it safe with their next addition to the bullpen. Instead of bringing in the chicken sacrificing Jose Valverde (whose market has been born out of the imagination of agent Ronaiah Tuiasosopo Scott Boras), or Brian Wilson and his beard where deposed dictators hide out in exile, the Mets are close to bringing in Brandon Lyon to help round out a bullpen that’ll make you laugh, make you cry, but most nights make you switch the channel. Because why ruin six good innings of baseball fun when you can watch more soothing programming like “Lockup: Raw“?

But if you notice, the Mets now have three relievers in the bullpen who sometimes pose as closers. The problem is that one of those guys has to actually close. And once Frangag Frantsisk gets deposed as closer and hides in Brian Wilson’s beard, the Mets now have two guys who have closed before in Lyon and LaTroy Hawkins to take over. Hawkins hasn’t exactly been lights out as a closer in his career (except strangely for 2004), and as for Brandon Lyon, let’s just say my 2011 fantasy team would like a word with you. It’s like all these guys are like the Island of Misfit Toys. The fun this year is trying to figure out if Francisco is the scooter or the gun that shoots jelly, whether Hawkins is the bird that doesn’t fly or the train with square wheels, or whether Lyon is the plane or the spotted elephant. (I think we can all agree that Scott Atchison is the cowboy that rides the ostrich.)

So the best thing that Lyon and Hawkins can do is stay in the eighth inning, which means that Francisco needs to be solid in the ninth inning in 2013. And if that’s what we’re depending on to be relevant past July, then screw that … I’m hiding in Brian Wilson’s beard.