Stop calling him that.

STAHP

Look. I don’t know where it came from, or who started it. I don’t even care. Let’s all put our egos behind us and admit that “Pool Party” is quite possibly the worst nickname for a player in Oilers history. I started a poll on twitter, and that’s science, and everyone agrees on my scientific poll (giggity) that “Pool Party” is the worst possible nickname we could come up with for Jesse Puljujarvi.

Let’s science this shit up. Is “Pool Party” a stupid nickname for Puljujarvi?

Retweet for more science.

— Netflix and Kjell (@KjellIverson) July 21, 2016

I know what you’re all thinking: “WELL WHAT WOULD YOU CALL HIM, DUMBASS!?”

I started with JuJu, but then I realized that was probably stupid too, because I might end up with another voodoo hex (don’t ask). You know what? I don’t care. Literally ANYTHING is better than “pool party”. How about Finnish McGrins? Smiley McTeethface? The Joker? Take your pick. They’re all better. Don’t agree with me? Fight me on the internet.

Why?

This is a cause that holds a special place in my heart. You see, I have a funny name too, and the names I was always called (or the nicknames I was given), were equally ridiculous. While my first name is hard to pronounce if you’re a neanderthal or a starbucks barista, my last name is relatively easy. Jesse suffers from the reverse, so this is where you all come in. I need you, Oilers fans, to give me your best nicknames for Puljujarvi.

YES, IT’S CONTEST TIME!

Since we don’t actually have any sponsors and we’re all poor, I will PERSONALLY mail you my ACTUAL Jordan Eberle jersey if you win this contest. The rules are simple: Submit a better nickname for Jesse Puljujarvi than “pool party”, and you too could be the proud owner of a used Jordan Eberle jersey that I accidently ruined because I don’t know how to wash jersey’s after getting mustard on them.

How It Works

Email your suggestions to [email protected] (professional, right?) or tweet them to me here: https://twitter.com/KjellIverson

I will be personal judge and jury. We might even get the other writers involved if they’re willing to buy you a pair of socks or something, but so far, I’m the only one with anything on the line. If you win, You will be the proud owner of this sweet jersey, which has been featured with my face on the internet in various places:

The Deadline

Submit your suggestions by August 1st for your chance to win my useless jersey, or possibly one of my daughter’s many petshop toys (which are apparently now semi-functional garbage, due to what I’m told are called “shopkins”).

*The terms and rewards of this “contest” are subject to change, depending on the author’s personal whims or the ability of this website to put up actual prizes which may or may not include the use of child labor to produce cheap T-shirts with clever logos.