Don’t Copy My Answers

We have learned exclusively that the Mets are borrowing a tactic from the NFL in their search for a new general manager. During their interviews with Sandy Alderson, Rick Hahn, Allard Baird and Josh Byrnes, Mets ownership has created their own version of the Wonderlic test.

The Metstradamus crack staff has obtained an exclusive copy of some sample questions from the test:

There’s a player you wish to sign that Peter Gammons reports would rather sign in Beirut. What do you do?

1. Call to player to allay his fears about the organization.
2. Move on to another option.
3. Change the dimensions of the ballpark to match Beirut.

The trade deadline is coming. What’s your plan?

1. Explore every option which will make your team better in the short run if the team is contending, or in the long run if the team is not.
2. Spend the last few hours of the deadline rehearsing your”everybody loves our prospects” speech.
3. Call the other 29 GM’s in the league and bribe them with hookers and blow to take Oliver Perez and Luis Castillo off your hands.

You’ve just been told by your manager that your team needs another arm for the bullpen. What do you do?

1. You call a meeting with your minor league personnel to see if one of the plethora of good prospects you have in AAA is ready to come up and handle the pressure of the major leagues.
2. You send your scouts overseas to see if there’s somebody you can pick up cheaply and quickly.
3. You trade a middling yet young starter for a guy who has great stuff but will subsequently be arrested for forcing his wife to eat rat poison.

Your director of player personnel has ripped his shirt off and challenged your entire minor league system to a fight. You …

1. Terminate his contract.
2. Promote him to be your assistant.
3. Call a news conference to explain the situation, then blame the reporter who exposed the story for “being all up in my business”.

One of your players has decided, on his own, to have off-season surgery which will keep him out of the first three months of the season. You …

1. Light up the phone lines to see if there’s a replacement that can come close to his production.
2. Tell the media that you gave the player clearance to do so, even though that didn’t really happen.
3. Sign Gary Matthews Jr.

Mariano Rivera got out of a bases loaded, nobody out jam to notch his 600th career saveat Citi Field. You …

1. Call an emergency meeting with your assistants and the coaching staff to brainstorm on ways to improve the hitting.
2. Dig up the pitching rubber and give it to Rivera as a gift.
3. Fire the hitting coach and hire a 1986 Met to replace him.

Finish this sentence: 12:16 a.m. on the first night of a west coast trip is the perfect time to …

1. Say prayers for good health, safe travels, and situational hitting.
2. Crank call John Kruk.
3. Fire your manager.

Your right fielder has a concussion in April. You …

1. Shut him down until the following spring training.
2. Put him on a flight to Denver.
3. Google “concussion”.

Oliver Perez refuses to accept an assignment to the minor leagues. Which option do you choose?

1. Release him.
2. Invent an injury and put him on the D.L.
3. It’s a trick question. I sold Oliver’s contract to Caribes de Anzoategui my first day on the job. Only got back money for gum.

You have a manager that you want to hire, but the owners of the team have suggested somebody else. You …

1. March into the owner’s office and fight for your choice.
2. Offer the compromise of giving the owner’s choice a position on the manager’s staff.
3. Give yourself some time to reflect with a long drive through one of Westchester’s long and winding roads and use that time to come to the self-realization that the owner of the team knows more about baseball than you do.

Give the applicant one point for every 1 answer, two points for ever number 2, and three for every number 3 (except for the final two questions: give five points for number 1 or number 2, zero points for number 3).

Final score:

10-24: This applicant would be an adequate hire.

25-40: This applicant can be on the support staff.

41-54: This applicant needs improvement before he can be considered to work for the New York Mets.

55 and higher: Throw Omar Minaya out of the office.