Don’t Talk About … Playoffs?

Yeah, I’m talking about playoffs.  Because …

All right, I’m not sure why.  But I have thoughts and I must be heard, dammit.  So here are random playoff thoughts for you from all four series …

Reds/Phillies: Perhaps they didn’t lose the series when Doc Halladay pitched that no-hitter. They might not have lost the series when Orlando Cabrera whined about the umpires.  But when the team that led the National League in fewest errors goes and makes four in a game they had a 4-0 lead in, that’s when you pack it in.  That always happened against the Yankees … if they played a team that led the world in ERA, for example, they’d lose by giving up eight runs a game.  Led the league in hitting?  They couldn’t reach second base.  Led the free world in fielding?  They’d come to the park with hot plates instead of gloves.  Pissed me off to no end.

I know a guy who had free seats for Game 3 in Cincinnati fall into his lap, seventh row behind the dugout.  But he was so disgusted at the Reds performance in Game 2 that he traded them for a bag of Tostitos.

All right, it was Omar Minaya.  And he also threw in Xavier Nady.

Giants/Braves: It would have seemed like a slam dunk for me in terms of who I was pulling for.  But this was a problem for me.  My contractual obligation was to root against Atlanta.  And sure the Braves have one Larry Jones, but he wasn’t even playing.  Meanwhile I was supposed to root for a team with Pat Burrell (Met-killer), Cody Ross (uppity short person), and Matt Cain.  Matt freakin’ Cain?  The guy who smacked David Wright in the coconut and then tipped his cap to the crowd which was really a way to give the finger without getting fined by Bud Selig?

Now I live in a world where I have to root for these three against the damn Phillies, and I haven’t even mentioned Guillermo Mota.  And you know as well as I do that Met Killer is going to go 0-for-21, Cain is going to get rocked in his only start, and Ross is going to get stuck in the treehouse where he makes his cookies before Game 3 and not show up.  If there is a way that these three can do this and have their team still win, great.  But that’s not going to happen.  Not against the freakin’ Phillies.

(P.S. If the Braves want to rid themselves of Brooks Conrad, we have a second baseman that made an iconic error that we can send to Atlanta in exchange.)

Rays/Rangers:  Sometimes, that East Coast Bias in me bubbles up to the surface.  So my thought was that the Rays would win all the games not started by Cliff Lee and take this series without an issue, and that would be a good thing because the Rays would have a much better chance to beat the Yankees than the Texas Rangers.  I mean, these are the Rangers who you know from their no playoff series wins, their ridiculous $25 million contracts for diva shortstops, and Nolan Ryan giving nuggies to Robin Ventura.  Besides, the Rays had a cute little viral mascot that would surely carry them to victory.

So the Rangers defeat the Rays in five, which doesn’t really bother me because the Rangers have kinda been my defacto “American League Team”, only because chanting “Let’s Go Rangers” isn’t a foreign concept to me.  But here’s the thing, when Jeff Francoeur was traded, I thought that my days of yelling “Dammit Frenchy” were over.  Now I’ll probably do that at least 28 times over the next week and a half which is going to stress me out, and it’s something I don’t need.

Let this be a lesson on how to incorporate “positive clubhouse influences” in the locker room.  Building an established team with lots of talent and then acquiring good guys for the room to help glue everything together, while only acquiring them if they come in place of marginal major leaguers (Joaquin Arias): good plan.  Acquiring these guys to be the lynch pins of the locker room while expecting them to carry the team on their backs while floating on the air of good feelings and college football pools: bad plan.

Yankees/Twins: What do you think about when you think about Minnesota?  That’s right, nice people.  People from Minnesota are very nice.  Maybe it’s the proximity to Canada, maybe it’s the Mall of America providing them with everything they could ever need, but people from Minnesota are generally polite and friendly.  But there’s a limit.  And I think that Minnesotans are reaching it.  Case in point: True story … I’m at the Jets/Vikings game last night and there’s a guy in a purple Favre jersey sitting in front of me.  Older guy with a couple of friends and a kid.  And to my right, and to the right of my friend, is a younger Jets fan … kinda drunk (all right, toasted). And he fires the first salvo at the older Vikes fan by saying something like “hey, is that Shrimp Dick Favre sitting there?” And the gloves came off as the Vikes fan came out of his seat:

VF: YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY A*****E?

JF: Yeah, I’m saying your quarterback’s got a shrimp dick!

VF: THERE’S A DAMN KID HERE YOU MORON!!!

JF: Wow, defensive … you must have a small dick too.

VF: I’LL KICK YOUR ASS RIGHT NOW!

JF: Dude, what’s your problem?

VF: THAT’S BULL ****! I’M FROM MINNESOTA WE DON’T DO THAT!!!

JF: Dude why don’t you sit down before I kick your ass.

VF: C’MON! LET’S GO TO THE CONCOURSE AND DO THIS!

JF: What are you, like … fifty?

VF: I DON’T CARE I’LL KICK YOUR ASS RIGHT NOW!

JF: SHUT YOUR MOUTH OLD MAN!

VF: SHUT YOUR A*****E!!!

Incredibly, this didn’t turn into a fist fight as my very brave friend played the part of Kofi Annan and brought intra-divisional peace.  But point being: after having your team blow something along the lines of 49 straight playoff leads to the Yankees, well you’d be challenging people half your age to fights too.  You ever know a person from Minnesota to respond to taunts so aggresively?  Neither have I.  Hell the Yankees swept the Mets in a two-park doubleheader in 2000 and I wanted to kidnap babies, throw puppies off a roof, and eat tuna fish made with dolphins.  75 straight playoff losses to the Yankees?  I don’t know what I’d do.  And frankly, I don’t want to know what I’m capable of.  But this is the world that Minnesota lives in now.  It’s a world where the Twins heart breakingly lose playoff games to the Yankees (been there), Brett Favre throwing nuclear picks (been there), and the Timberwolves (I rooted for half that roster when they were with the Celtics so … been there too.)  I don’t envy this world.  My own world is bad enough.