All the cool fans are negative fans. But these days being a negative Oilers fan is a bit more challenging. The team has a good chance to finally make the playoffs. Connor McDavid might win the Art Ross Trophy. And the goal differential is dramatically improved. Yes, it’s now a bit more challenging to be a negative fan, but it’s far from an impossibility. Here are a few ways to be negative even when the Oilers are winning.

1. Always balance a positive comment with a negative comment.

There are some occasions when it’s impossible not to say something positive about the Oilers. On those rare occasions, remember always to balance a positive comment with a negative comment. If Kris Russell scores 4 goals in a game, you could say, “It’s great that Russell scored 4 goals tonight, but this means that Chiarelli’s now gonna give him a huge contract extension, right?” If Adam Larsson makes a goal-saving play, you could say, “Nice play by Larsson to prevent a goal, but I can’t help thinking that Taylor Hall probably would have scored twice tonight if he was still an Oiler.” If Jonas Gustavsson gets a shutout, you could say, “Nice game by Gustuvsson, but now he’s gonna get another start this week, right?”

2. Don’t be afraid to make sweeping statements after only one period of hockey.

If Darnell Nurse’s Corsi For Percentage after the first period is 34%, point out that Nurse is awful and the Oilers need to trade him while they can. However, if Eric Gryba’s Corsi For Percentage after one period is 67%, remind everyone that one period is a very small sample size.

3. Insist that the blunders of the past are destined to be repeated.

What if injured Tyler Pitlick returns to the Oilers’ lineup sooner than expected? If that happens, we’ll be able to safely assume that the Oilers are rushing him back. After all, remember that time six years ago when they rushed Ryan Whitney back?

4. Annoy people by talking about all of the bad moves the Oilers are sure to make that will ruin the franchise forever.

Make statements like, “If Chiarelli traded Hall, it’s only a matter of time before he trades McDavid.”

5. Say to those annoyed with you, “Don’t tell me how to feel!”

Eventually someone will complain about your negativity. Always take this as an unintended compliment. And be sure to loudly proclaim, “DON’T TELL ME HOW TO FEEL! YOU SHOULD STOP FEELING ANNOYED ABOUT MY NEGATIVITY!” Yes, you just contradicted yourself, but don’t worry. The contradiction won’t be detected by the majority of mouthbreathers.

6. Always remind people about those times you were right and they were wrong.

Remember that time David Staples came up with that crazy trade idea involving Jamie Oleksiak? Never forget it. Always remind him about it every single chance you get. And don’t be afraid to call people names and question their intelligence. It’s totally worth it.

7. Get acquainted with two very special words: “Yeah…but.”

Yeah, the Oilers are currently in a playoff position, but what would their record be if they didn’t have a great October? Yeah, Chiarelli made some nice picks in the 2015 draft, but imagine if he hadn’t traded two picks for Griffin Reinhart. Yeah, the Oilers have improved their Corsi For Percentage this year, but what would it be if you took McDavid out of the lineup? Yeah, the Oilers have McDavid (due to incompetence and dumb luck), but the Leafs have Auston Matthews, Mitch Marner, and William Nylander.

So tonight, if you follow this guide, you can be a negative fan even if the Oilers win–which I doubt because they’ll probably start Gustuvsson (terrible signing) and too bad Eberle can’t one-time a puck (his shooting coach should give him a refund) and yeah the powerplay has been better lately (hold off on the Jay Woodcroft firing for now) but check out the penalty kill numbers (woof!)….