The 2016 N.L. East can be complicated. Luckily, I’m here to make sense of it all. In this edition of know your enemy: I look at the Miami Marlins and the level of pain in the ass they will be in the 2016 season.
It’s never a great sign when the biggest names of the offseason are the manager and the hitting coach. If this was 1990, then putting the signatures of Don Mattingly and Barry Bonds on contracts would have really been exciting for the Marlins. But then again, if this was 1990, the Marlins wouldn’t have existed, which means that Mattingly and Bonds would have been catfished by a fake major league baseball team, 24 years before anybody knew what the term meant.
Key Additions: Wei-Yin Chen-SP, Don Mattingly-MGR, Barry Bonds-COACH, Chris Johnson-3B, Giancarlo Stanton-RF (Because it didn’t seem like he was even there last year.)
Key Departures: Henderson Alvarez- SP, Carter Capps-RP (Injured), Jordany Valdespin-OF
But seriously, here’s what Barry Bonds can do for a team … when those ESPN Zones existed back in 1994, I was in one in Baltimore. At that particular ESPN Zone, they had a batting cage where you could hit tennis balls coming at you near the speeds of a major league pitcher (or so it seemed.) And you could choose which pitcher pitched to you, and they would come at you on a video screen, with the ball exiting the pitching machine right as the pitcher’s hand hit the opening.
So I tried to hit Dwight Gooden … no shot. Greg Maddux … no chance. Then I chose Curt Schilling. And I decided to go to my unnatural side: lefty. And instead of swinging like I was Tony Pena, I did what Barry Bonds did and what he always preached: I choked up and just tried to make contact. Well, I didn’t have too much success against Schilling, but out of the 20 tennis balls I got, I tagged one … which was one more than I had tagged previously. I hit the screen so hard that the video played a ball going off the right field wall on the fly. I hit a double off of Curt Schilling because I did what Barry Bonds taught me to do. (And then Schilling went back on the screen and yelled that he wished I was buried under a jail, which I thought was unnecessary.) If Bonds could get me to hit a double off of a Curt Schilling tennis ball, imagine what he could do for people with actual talent like Christian Yelich, Marcell Ozuna, and Justin Bour.
Here’s what Barry Bonds can’t do for a team: play, because he’s 51 years old. Although after outslugging all of the Marlins in batting practice, I can see Jeffrey Loria going into full circus mode and activating Bonds to play left after Christian Yelich suffers an injury. Please let this happen so we could laugh at this team forever and ever.
Whenever this happens he needs to come out WWE style https://t.co/4V177M53aB
— Tim Baysinger (@tim_bays) March 21, 2016
Won't.. PED'S still in system https://t.co/WJbGqAmi3P
— Mills (@MillManner) March 21, 2016
@MillManner @Metstradamus he is probably under 10% by now. So, that's probably legal in most jurisdictions.
— Decker (@SheaUpperDeck) March 22, 2016
https://twitter.com/maggie162/status/712043069445685249
The good news for the Marlins is that as long as the lords of health are kind to Miami, they’ll have Jose Fernandez and Giancarlo Stanton for a full season. That’s gotta be good for some extra victories. In fact, I’m sure many will say that with an actual manager managing them, a home run champion teaching them how to hit (“he’s not my home run champion he’s a cheater!!!” yeah … I know, save it.) and two stars returning full time, the Marlins might have the type of season they should have had last year.
WHERE did @Giancarlo818 hit this ball?! https://t.co/CCbvuOpMNd pic.twitter.com/RiByAdFMrO
— MLB (@MLB) March 25, 2016
The bad news for the Marlins is that they’re the Marlins. And remember all of those innings limits that Scott Boras screamed about last year for his client Matt Harvey? Well guess which Scott Boras client just had Tommy John surgery two seasons ago? Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaat’s right. So by chance the Marlins are anywhere close to the playoffs, you can be sure to expect an innings limit to derail your season. And if they aren’t close to the playoffs, Fernandez will be traded to the Dodgers for Milk Duds, a box of warm California air, and Carl Crawford. And then all that will be left for you are the mediocre empanadas at the ballpark. Congratulations.
Mets record vs. Miami in 2015: 11-8
I thought the Mets record vs. Miami in 2015 would be: 9-10
Mets record vs. Miami in 2016 should be: 10-9
I’m guessing “not close”, especially after Keith Hernandez said that hitting coaches are overrated. The lineup will be better, the starting pitching will be decent (even though they inexplicably let Henderson Alvarez go), and the bullpen will miss Carter Capps who is out this season due to injury. Wei-Yin Chen is a slight bit underrated, but he’s the number one starter on the depth chart and his six inning average is going to expose that bullpen. And there’s Jeffrey Loria around to screw this up, so expect the Mattingly job rumors bubbling up by June. I’m sure of it.
Marlins Prediction: 79-83 … third place. The Mets will lose a game in the ninth inning in a Marcell Ozuna hit, I’ll make a smart ass comment on twitter and will get told to “Be More Miserable” because I’m not a real fan. Sigh.
Miss our other previews? Check them out here:
Atlanta Braves
Philadelphia Phillies
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