Well, it’s Monday. And that probably means another e-mail from the Wilpons is on the horizon. The updates from Jeff promise to be boring and useless.
Or do they?
This should hit your inbox sometime early Tuesday, October 26th …
Dear Mets Fans:
Yesterday, the New York Mets brought back Josh Byrnes for his second interview with Fred, Saul, and me for the position of General Manager. We asked Josh some pressing questions regarding his vision for the New York Mets. As you can guess, Byrnes was extremely impressive.
We love Byrnes’ youth and energy. Fred and I broke the ice by talking about young people things like MTV and the latest Jackass 3D movie (stay tuned for a special promotion where the Mets will give away special glasses at the Citi Field gates so you can watch the Mets live in 3D). Saul tried to make him feel at home by calling him “dude”. I’m not sure that Josh understood the effort that went into having a man named Saul say the word “dude” and not feel about 30 years older than he already is.
Byrnes brought up the use of sabermetrics to help him effectively do his job. If Byrnes is hired, you can rest assure that the New York Mets organization will provide Byrnes with all the necessary tools to perform this advanced sabermetrics, starting with a compass and protractor. The Mets will even provide cases for each so Josh doesn’t constantly stick holes in his leg.
We will continue to provide updates on our search for a new GM in the coming days.
Sincerely,
Jeff Wilpon
COO
Wednesday, October 27th …
Dear Mets Fans:
Today, the New York Mets brought back Sandy Alderson for his second interview with Fred, Saul, and me for the position of General Manager. We gave him a tour of Citi Field, which we felt was necessary with the lack of air time our palace has gotten on national television, for obvious reasons. We wanted to see how Mr. Alderson can navigate the area in right field in case he needs to escape the hoards of New York media who want to ask him about a completely hypothetical incident regarding the closer.
Afterwards, we took Mr. Alderson to the Acela Club for pierogies and burgers. There was an awkward moment where the waitress presented us with the check and I looked to see whether Mr. Alderson would offer to pick it up. He looked at Fred and I with a steely resolve which said “If you think I’m going to just spend money for sake of spending money, you had better think again.”
I think I may be in love.
We will continue to provide updates on our search for a new GM in the coming days.
Sincerely,
Jeff Wilpon
COO
Thursday, October 28th …
Dear Mets Fans:
The Mets are still deciding who will get the job as our next General Manager. Fred and Saul have informed me that a team called the Texas Rangers are currently playing in the World Series. The Mets wish them well, and you can take comfort in the fact that the club will, once a GM is named, do everything in its power to explore the rosters of quality teams like the Rangers to help the Mets in the near future.
For example, this kid named Francoeur looks pretty good. And I’m told his smile can light up a room.
We look forward to sharing more information with you soon, and continue to search high and low for players who smile.
Sincerely,
Jeff Wilpon
COO
Friday, October 29th …
Dear Mets Fans:
The Mets search for a General Manager continues. Fred, Saul, and I are currently going back and forth between our final two candidates.
My advisors have informed me that some of you Mets fans in the focus groups think it’s disturbing that I refer to my father as “Fred”. The organization will conduct a full investigation, and then investigate the investigation as to why I refer to my father by his first name. Then we will pick a General Manager.
(Coincidentally, Sandy Alderson has asked for language in his contract that requires me to call him “my daddy”. We will conduct an investigation into the feasibility of this concept.)
We will continue to provide updates on our search for a new GM, and why I refer to my father by his given name, in the coming days.
Sincerely,
Jeff Wilpon
COO
Monday, November 14th …
Dear Mets Fans:
We’re nearing a decision. Seriously, we are. And we thank all of you for showing patience and you will be rewarded with better seats, lower prices, and 20% more special sauce per Shake Shack burger. Our fans are our top priority. Really, you are. I wish that I could bring all of you to the Acela Club with me for pierogies and burgers at reduced prices. Make your reservations for the upcoming season today.
We will continue to provide updates on our search for a new GM, and will decide on new ingredients for the pierogie sauce in the coming days.
Sincerely,
Jeff Wilpon
COO
Finally, on Sunday, December 12th …
Dear Mets Fans:
Okay, so we can’t decide. Fred, Saul and I have been sitting in a dark, cramped, four-star hotel uptown for the last month trying to make a decision, with only luxurious room service to provide sustenance. But we can’t do it. Both candidates are just so extremely impressive and are full of awesomeness. But as we are solution oriented, we believe we’ve come up with the best way to settle this decision once and for all:
The New York Mets are going to have Byrnes and Alderson fight to the death in a special match to take place in Citi Field on Christmas Eve. The winner of the duel will be the General Manager. The loser, depending on just how dead he is, will be my special assistant. Tickets go on sale to the general public tomorrow at 10AM.
We’re pleased to announce that Billy Joel will sing the national anthem, and DVD’s of the performance will be on sale at the Alyssa Milano Touch Boutique on your way out. Also, the special guest referee will be Angel Hernandez.
If all goes well, there will be a subsequent death match which will feature Oliver Perez and a grizzly bear on Valentine’s Day, where the bear … er, I mean the winner will be the Mets fifth starter and will attempt to void the remainder of Francisco Rodriguez’s contract by using his large paws to scare the dickens out of Rodriguez. Of course, provided the bear wins.
The Mets look forward to bringing you quality entertainment such as this starting on Christmas Eve, and continuing throughout the baseball season. Remember, better seats, lower prices, and death matches in 2011.
Sincerely,
Jeff Wilpon
COO/Death Match Promoter
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