Pioneering the Off Day

You know why off-days are strange? Because it affords you the opportunity to let a time warp sink me deep into a vortex that makes my head spin. For example, Thursday featured the Toledo Mud Hens and the Buffalo Bisons on SNY, where not only did Shawn Teufel pitch the Mudhens to victory against his father and our friend Tim, but the Mud Hens featured both Timo Perez and Omir Santos. It’s like eras of pain colliding to the point where I’m hopped up on about seven Advils right now … it was that painful. Damn you Toledo Mud Hens.

Then I find this:

“Mike Jacobs, a first baseman in the Colorado Rockies’ organization who has played more than 500 games in the major leagues, including dozens with the Mets, is the first professional baseball player to test positive for human growth hormone, a banned performance-enhancing drug.”

Mike Jacobs, pioneer. Attaboy. Calls to Kirk Radomski were not immediately returned (because they were never made.)

So wait, you’re telling me that those first four home runs in his first four games, the ones that prompted Pedro Martinez to convince the Mets to leave him up on the big club … you mean they were a lie? Well they have to be. Because as you know, anybody that takes steroids or HGH must have all their records expunged from the record books, and every trace of their existence must be erased by C.I.A. computers. And when Jacobs shows up at parties, it’s everyone’s civic duty to throw soap at him … hard soap, soft soap in hard bottles, and anything similar.

Jacobs was released by the Colorado Rockies organization (an organization that once had a controversy for being “too Christian“, yet have lost their last 17 games on Sunday, go figure that one out) almost immediately after the test. This could very well mean that America’s last memory of Mike Jacobs as a major leaguer is flying out against a middle infielder and singling off a utility player hours before his release. In like a lion, out like a muscularly enhanced lamb. Because who will give him a job at this point where he has to spend the first 50 games with a rally towel? Sounds like Jacobs could use a hug.

Luckily, he can come to Citi Field today and get one from Nick Cannon. Convenient.