Shohei Otani’s Pop Quiz

We could probably all agree that the Mets have about as much of a chance of signing two way star Shohei Otani as Jeff Wilpon does of winning Time’s Person Of The Year. But I found it funny that Otani’s agent, Nez Balelo, sent homework to all thirty MLB teams, asking them general questions about how they would make Otani feel wanted, comfortable, and how they would use him.

We obtained a copy of not only Balelo’s questions, but the answers which were provided by a team intern … their social media coordinator, Mets general manager Sandy Alderson.

Dearest Mets:

How would you evaluate Otani’s talent as a pitcher and as a hitter?

• Well certainly we think the world of Otani’s pitching ability. We would love to use him as frequently as possible. Every day, if we could. I mean, what better use of a pitcher than to pitch them every single day? (Fernando Nieve can provide better insight on that.) As a hitter, we also think the world of him. But as we don’t have a designated hitter position in our league, we think the best thing to do with Otani is to teach him to play all eight positions which will give him an advantage as he fights for playing time with our other 17 infielders (18 after we trade for an over-the-hill second baseman).

Please explain your philosophies on medical training. As you know, Otani has recently suffered injuries to his ankle and his left thigh.

• Well he’ll fit right in here. We’ll do our best to catch these injuries as they happen. And if we do, we’ll try not to let the muscles develop atrophy, and … you know, just write down “zero” for this portion of the score.

Please describe your minor league and spring training facilities. Not that we expect Otani to ever play in the minor leagues, but if Otani ever has to perform in a rehab assignment, we would like to know what we are getting into.

• Well our stadium in Las Vegas is outdated but the city has great casinos. Otherwise, we’ll be able to rehab Otani in beautiful, luxurious Binghamton, New York where he’ll get to meet American baseball legend Tim Tebow.

How will you assimilate our client into the culture of New York?

• We already have an idea. We plan to use the buddy system. Matt Harvey knows all the best bars museums.

Are there any players, current or former, that can help make Otani feel comfortable in Queens?

• All he needs to do is talk to JPL legend Kazuo Matsui, who came to the Mets and was immediately fitted for a World Series ring. I mean, it wasn’t his … but it fit great.

What is your plan to integrate Otani into the Mets’ organizational philosophy?

• Two words: “Otani Gnomes”.

Why will Otani desire to play with the New York Mets?

• Because Mickey Callaway is the manager, and … to be honest, we’re kinda counting on him to save the day. He’ll love Shohei, he’ll make him throw every day, and he’ll make birds sing, flowers bloom, and Shake Shack taste even better than it does now. Did we mention that we have a Shake Shack in the ballpark? And also, there’s one on every block in Manhattan. We look forward to Shohei’s official visit to Citi Field.