In a trade that has stunned the hockey world and elated Oilers fans on Facebook, Peter Chiarelli held a press conference today to announce that he has traded all star left wing Taylor Hall to the Dallas Stars in exchange for the rights to negotiate with Jason Demers and future considerations.
The move comes amid the Oilers desperate quest to fix their anemic defense and right the wrongs that saw them finish at the bottom of the standings again. While completely ignoring the fact the Oilers were decimated by injuries this year, the trade does address the team’s obvious need for a right handed defenceman (sort of).
Oilers GM Peter Chiarelli had this to say during the press conference: “Look, we had to address our D. We needed a right handed defenceman, and hopefully we might get one. I had some stats guys suggest that Taylor Hall is one of the top 5 left wings in the game, but if Team Canada had no use for him, what does that say? Plus, Craig and Scott suggested I look up his twitter stats, and it’s pretty obvious he’s a cancer in the locker room. The NHL has changed. You need defence…well…hopefully… to win games, and you don’t win games by drafting good players and keeping them anymore.”
When pressed on why Chiarelli felt such a gamble was worthwhile for a defenceman that is playing in a #4 role on a team that is generally considered thin on the back end, Chiarelli explained: “Have you seen Jason Demers Corsi stats? I haven’t personally, but I’m told by reliable local bloggers that he has great possession metrics, and we know how well that worked out with Mark Fayne.”
Reactions on social media were mixed. Local hockey twitter expert “Bustin Pansies” (we were unable to confirm his or her real name) had this to say, when reached for comment:
“Everyone knows Taylor Hall don’t backcheck, and is a traitor to his country. I don’t like his face, either. This is grade A trades for them Oilers. If anything, the Stars done got fleeced.”
Other social media hockey analysts claimed that Hall should have at least garnered an additional 4th round pick and a middling forward prospect. One individual (who wished to remain anonymous) weighed in: “My sister’s boyfriend’s uncle told me that he heard Hall was a jerk at the bar. Good riddance.”
Taylor Hall was made available to the media later in the day: “Yeah. At the end of the day, it’s a business. Scoring 80 points in 75 games on one of the NHL’s worst teams doesn’t cut it. I have to be better. On the bright side, I’m looking forward to playing with Tyler Seguin.”
We reached out to the Oilers head office in an effort to contact assistant Oilers GM Craig Mactavish for comment, but were notified of his unavailability. Sources close to the team indicate he is currently scouting Justin Schultz’s offseason activities, possibly in a bid to sign the former Norris Trophy potential player (and Stanley Cup winner) to a free agent deal this summer.
*This piece is satirical in nature. None of this actually happened, and probably (hopefully) won’t. If this enraged you because you dislike satire, rage at me in the comments or on twitter: @KjellIverson
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