We all go a little loopy during the holiday season, especially when you're waiting for the Mets to make that next big name acquisition, which might not be until 2019. Many of us wander the streets aimlessly wondering how to fix the Mets.
Well not to worry, because MLB Network's Brian Kenny tweeted out the plan … A plan that he lovingly crafted for you, dear Met fan. He didn't have to do this, you know. He could have kept it to himself or worse … sold it to some unsavory types who would only use this information to destroy you. For those who never signed up for Twitter because they believe that it is a government conspiracy, here is Kenny's plan (which … spoiler alert … surprisingly doesn't include Willie Bloomquist):
Rule #1 to rebuild Mets. No league average free agents. That includes pitchers..
— Brian Kenny (@MrBrianKenny) December 1, 2013
//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
But however will we fill our quota of surly starting pitchers or marketable has-beens?
Rule #2 in fixing Mets: 2014, is gone..
— Brian Kenny (@MrBrianKenny) December 1, 2013
//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
What? I didn't even finish my Christmas shopping for 2013 yet! And now 2014 is gone? We're messing with the space-time continuum now? Oh man, this is already too existential for me.
Rule #3 for fixing the Mets: Be in talks w/ every buy-low situational reliever out there.
— Brian Kenny (@MrBrianKenny) December 1, 2013
//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
For what? To pitch in a season that doesn't exist? I'm confused.
Rule #4 for fixing the Mets: You can't afford many full players. Buy Half players.
— Brian Kenny (@MrBrianKenny) December 1, 2013
//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
This sounds a little too much like Scott Boras' grocery list.
Rule #5 for fixing the Mets: David Wright ain't going Nowhere..
— Brian Kenny (@MrBrianKenny) December 1, 2013
//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
What scares me is that people actually need to see this written down.
Rule #6 for fixing the Mets: Lagares also stays..
— Brian Kenny (@MrBrianKenny) December 1, 2013
//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
Rule number 6 ½: Lagares is not allowed to ride a cab in Miami at two in the morning.
Rule 7 to fixing the Mets: Don't waste organizational strikeouts in minor leagues.
— Brian Kenny (@MrBrianKenny) December 1, 2013
//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
Unless strikeouts bring fans to see Jeff Wilpon's Brooklyn franchise. Because ticket sales mean more money in Jeffy's pocket for new fleece sweatshirts with wide collars … to wear while painting.
Rule #8 for fixing Mets: If you can't fix Ike, someone (Rays) will pay nicely to try. Meantime, righties only.
— Brian Kenny (@MrBrianKenny) December 1, 2013
//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
We also thought someone would pay nicely to try to fix Mel Rojas too. All we got back was Bobby Bonilla. Which is part of the reason why we could only afford half players.
Rule 9 for fixing Mets: Shin-Soo Choo. Just pay it..
— Brian Kenny (@MrBrianKenny) December 1, 2013
//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
Now THIS … this is a rule I would like to follow. Never you mind that this is in direct conflict with rule number four … It's a good rule, dammit! You know, I just might join Brian Kenny's church if rule number 10 is the big finish that could actually top his brilliant rule number nine. Okay Brian, I'm ready:
Rule #10 for fixing the Mets: Duda & Satin aren't the problem, they're the solution.
— Brian Kenny (@MrBrianKenny) December 1, 2013
//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
Oh no! Brian … you were so close. We could have climbed any mountain … crossed any sea … followed every rainbow until we found our dream! But then you had to advocate Lucas Duda as the solution to anything other than hurting himself moving furniture.
I feel so alone.
Add The Sports Daily to your Google News Feed!
