The Multiverse is On Shuffle

There is increasing proof that we live in a dimension with alternate universe.

In April of 2011, when Pedro Feliciano puts on a Yankee uniform, we as a species will enter one of those universes.

If David Wright was the team’s heart, Carlos Beltran was its soul, and Jose Reyes was its ill-timed sugar rush, then Pedro Feliciano was its next door neighboor who always came over once a day to borrow its flour. Seriously, every day. Like he was baking the biggest cake in the world. And he was … so Ryan Howard can eat it and fatten up in time to face Feliciano on a nightly basis. Feliciano’s legacy is Perpetual, and it will be perpetually linked to Howard and Chase Utley. Eighty times he’s faced one of those two, and was only gotten the best of 23 of those times (15 hits, six walks, and Utley was hit twice because he crowds the f***ing plate).

Now he’s going from Utley and Howard to Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford as he joins the team you love to hate across town. Feliciano will pick up some of the lefty slack for the Yankees that was lost when their fans spit on Cliff Lee’s wife, so he’ll have a tough task ahead of him. It’s easy to forget that Feliciano has been a Met since 2002, which means for about 95% of every game this decade featured Feliciano striking out a left handed batter. Now he’s a Yankee. And I’m not sure how to feel about that. Of course, the fact that overrides everything is that the Mets are getting a draft pick for losing a 34-year-old lefty specialist, a trade I’ll take every time so long as this draft pick is made over slot. But a Yankee? The longest tenured Met (if not continuous) becomes a Yankee??!? Crissakes I haven’t felt this conflicted since the Mets traded Tim Burke for Lee Guetterman.

(Trivia: One of the few times I ever left Shea Stadium early was when Lee Guetterman was pitching for the Mets. They lost the game … I surmise it was either this game or this one… but Guetterman actually gotten a big out or two before I left with a debilitating illness which was probably caused by rooting for a player who was a Yankee six weeks earlier. I believe the incubation period before you can do that is two months.)

Guetterman was no Pedro Feliciano, in perpetualness or in lefty specialistness, or something. This makes it much tougher for me to build up a hate for Feliciano. Though I’ll stop short of actually wishing him “well” at least while he wears the Yankee uniform. I’ll wish him well when he’s driving home, or with his family, or on line at Chipotle’s. But in the Yankee uniform, I’ll only wish the following (and I wouldn’t wish for these kind of tidings for every Yankee so don’t take this lightly):

Pedro, I hope that you don’t get swallowed whole by the earth when the revolution comes.
I hope that Joba Chamberlain doesn’t sneak fake bugs into your soup.
I hope that you aren’t the target of a Michael Kay tongue kiss.
May you never have to spell “Albaladejo” as part of a hazing ritual.
I hope that you’re not made to sit through the 2009 World Series highlight film every day for the entire season.
I hope that Alex Rodriguez doesn’t commission a painting of him as a centaur to hang in your living room as a gift.
I hope Jorge Posada doesn’t kiss and make up with A.J. Burnett and pick fights with you because he “needs conflict” in his life.
May you not lose your job to Kei Igawa, for any reason.
I hope that Nick Johnson doesn’t share any of his holistic health secrets with you.
And if you contract an intangible from Derek Jeter, see a doctor immediately.