The Professor Is Here (Took Him Long Enough)

Rule Number 3,086 of being a Mets fan: Certain things are ridiculously predictable.

Case in point, as I was doing my research for the latest tale that I'm attempting to tell you, I found that in 2005, apparently I really wanted hard throwing 29-year-old reliever Kyle Farnsworth. Well, ask and you shall receive … Kyle Farnsworth is a New York Met. The predictable part? He's a Met nine years after I asked for him. It's almost as if Santa Claus was looking through his attic in the past week and after rummaging through an old box called "I'll get to it", found my note and yelled "SHIT!" And now, we finally get that Tickle Me Elmo doll after some brat played with it for two months, spilled hot mustard and Coca-Cola on it and shoved it in a box for nine years … and now it smells like feet and when you try to play it, it sounds like Revolution Number 9 played backwards.

(I was thinking of begging for Mike Trout in this space, but I figure that if I do, I'd wind up ruining the man's career … I've done that enough to people.)

So we now have Kyle Farnsworth, whose velocity has come down in the last two years but can still top 95. Of course as his velocity has dropped, his WHIP has gone up from 0.98 to the 1.3 range. (In 2012 it was the walk that killed him, in 2013 he just gave up a load of hits.) So now, after nine years, he's eligible to be a New York Met. More importantly, the man is stereotypically certifiable:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=
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Let's face it: How many of you Mets fans who go back to the early 90's didn't want to fight Paul Wilson at one point or another? C'mon, admit it. Sure, you can say now that Wilson's career was unfairly sent on an alternate path due to injury, but back then you wanted to fight him. You were pissed! Well, Kyle Farnsworth lived your 90's dream. He was Goldberg before Goldberg was Goldberg. (And when Goldberg is Goldberg, he's Kyle Farnsworth.)

And now he's here … probably too late in his career and in our existence to make a tangible on-field difference, but perhaps he can teach Vic Black how to have a mean streak, eat glass in the corner and stare blankly through everybody when they ask him where he feels like eating after tonight. Because Kyle Farnsworth's intimidating persona injected into the youthful vessel of Vic Black might create a being too advanced for rational thought, yet too primal for civilization … equipped with a 100 mph fastball. While that makes me excited for the future of the Mets, it makes me frightened for the future of society.