Edward James Olmos famously quipped that “Sometimes you gotta do things that you don’t really want to do. But you don’t do them for money.” And if there’s anyone who knows about played out, overdramatized events with loud, ugly clothing and terrible music, it’s the Miami Vice guy himself.
Look, we get it. Just about every grown ass human hates the NHL All-Star Game. It’s not for adults. It’s for children. We understand that.
This is not one of those boring ass “hey the All-Star Game sucks” pieces.
No, here at The Pensblog, we are innovators. Look no further than the 3-on-3 challenge phenomenon sweeping the world. Everyone is talking about it.
Now, we also get that everyone needs a break now and again. NHL players are no exception to this. They need a break to heal up, rest, and generally clear their head. That’s fine. Except for if you’re the best in the league (or perceived to be so by a vote of your fans), you don’t really get much of a break.
https://twitter.com/PenguinsSauce/status/676785437290176513
https://twitter.com/G_Off817/status/1080631770658164737
They’ve tried just about every format. North America vs. the World. Player draft. East vs. West. 3-on-3 Division tournament. John fucking Scott.
Seriously. If you can’t find the right thing, maybe there just isn’t the right fit. Then again… there is one thing that hasn’t been tried yet…
“It’s lost its luster.”
…
“It’s not what it used to be.”
…
“I don’t even really watch.”
Sound familiar? Yes, these types of reactions are just the same as fans’ recent quips on the Chicago Winter Classic.
“But guys, you can’t possibly suggest that we risk the health of the game’s brightest stars by putting them on low-quality outdoor ice!” – you, a wrong and incorrect imbecile
Sure you can! Who cares! The players certainly don’t. In fact, maybe getting the players into a more informal, outdoor setting might encourage them to, you know, have some personality and interact with the crowd/fans. I mean, some guys just are never going to be those guys. But taking the game back to its roots, and playing on some sub-par ice might actually lower the in-game quality of product and encourage players to, you know, have a bit more fun with it.
That’s what creates a good All-Star Game experience, in the end. If the players are having fun and actually interacting with one another, that’s what you rarely see in-season, especially in the context of hockey.
Picture this: PK Subban calling Jack Eichel a fivehead-havin’ alien before megging him and going top cheese bar deezy on Carey Price, who was singing Evanescence’s “Going Under” the whole time. That’s a hell of a lot more fun than continuing to bring up Owen Nolan calling his shot or Ovi wearing sunglasses that one time in some ASG years ago.
And when we say outdoor game, we’re talking potentially remote. Not some stadium with 75,000 seats. Think Mystery, Alaska. Shit, maybe that’s how they draw the teams’ battle lines – fictitious hockey clubs from the movies.
Of course, players will still choose to skip the game. That’s always going to happen. Some people just don’t have interest in attending, and who can blame them.
Imagine this: you’re performing in the top 5% of your cohort at work. Your “reward” is that you get to give a presentation to a big group on all of your achievements and accomplishments. Everyone else gets a week’s vacation, but you have to get on a plane, go somewhere, prepare, do the presentation, and fly back.
Sure, for some, that sounds like it might be worth it, especially if it’s a free trip to Florida or California or whatever. But for some, that’s just not all that appealing. And considering that you wouldn’t have to give this presentation after getting the literal piss pounded out of you through 41+ games of hockey, perhaps sacrificing your one chance during the year to rest and heal, creates an understandable situation where players opt out to get some rest. Right, Greg?
Of course, Simple Plan or The Plain White Tees or whatever now-irrelevant band plays will have to tune their acoustics differently. The sound quality at BMO Field doesn’t have shit on the House of Blues. Or maybe we cut the musical entertainment. No one would miss it anyway.
Think MC’s from true entertainment running the various elements of the “game” and skills competition. Or, better yet, bring in Snoop.
Throw Wayne from Letterkenny in to call live play-by-play with a television simulcast. All the guys from The Chubbys on Benders desperately trying to get on the ice to play with Crosby and Ovechkin and McDavid to feel the affirmation they’re so desperately seeking.
Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys trying to have local cats adopted with interstitial cuts to his cat amusement park rinkside, where instead of setting up a minirink for Mites players, the kids just play with the nice kitties.
Now that…that’s how you fix the All Star Game.
That, or just do it with a shit ton of cocaine.
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