TLM’s Jon Elliot, Josh Cornelissen, and I joined together to tackle the biggest and baddest question facing the basketball world: among the squads that didn’t make the playoffs, which would you choose to compete in the following Olympic team sports?
Soccer
Jon: Washington Wizards. John Wall is the fastest player in the NBA (results of footrace pending), Nene Hilario played soccer as a kid, and Marcin Gortat is an avid soccer fan (who also played as a kid). Maybe Bradley Beal can learn how to get in better conditioning and avoid injury this way too.
G: Phoenix Suns. The plethora of point guards should bode well in a(nother) sport where passing is the name of the game, and I’m convinced savvy speedster Tyler Ulis would be unbelievably good. The Dragan can probably Bend(er) it like Beckham (sorry I’m not sorry), Devin Booker is bound to be a sharpshooter, and good luck getting by PJ Tucker or finding the back of the net with Tyson Chandler or Alex Len between the posts.
Josh: Orlando Magic – This offseason the Magic specifically assembled a roster to play soccer in the Olympics. Bismack Biyombo could play professional soccer, as could Serge Ibaka. With those two running up and down on the wings, Aaron Gordon has the freakish athleticism to stop anything from entering the net. Jeff Green is basically the NBA’s Jozy Altidore, showing flashes of sheer brilliance interrupted by stretches of completely disappearing.
Tennis (doubles)
Josh: Chicago Bulls – The reality of the upcoming season is that neither Dwyane Wade nor Rajon Rondo will help the Bulls become a substantially better team. Therefore Chicago is better served placing these guys on the tennis doubles court. Their lack of shooting won’t hurt them as long as they stand close to the net, and if they can rack up aces their complete lack of defense won’t put them under. Plus Robin Lopez could come along and terrorize these guys.
G: Utah Jazz. Gordon Hayward was a highly ranked junior player, and almost gave up basketball to play tennis full-time before hitting a huge growth spurt. Pairing him with Frenchman Rudy Gobert, who could probably develop a lethal serve and overhead, seems ideal.
Jon: Phoenix Suns. Okay, so I know that this is living in the past a bit, but the Suns have a history of familial combos, including the Morris twins and Goran/Zoran Dragic. I would like to believe that they passed down the message of the importance of dual dueling to the rest of the Suns’ players.
Volleyball
Jon: Milwaukee Bucks. How could there be any other choice? THEIR POINT GUARD IS 6-11 FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Or aloud. In any case, the Bucks simply have too much length to even let the ball over the net. Point, Milwaukee.
Josh: Utah Jazz – Certain players were made to stand on the beach with the sun reflecting off their sunglasses and the breeze blowing through their perfect hair. That player is Gordon Hayward, and he would be right at home on a sandy court in Rio. Rudy Gobert would be his partner, able to completely stuff any over-the-net attempts. If forced indoors, players such as Derrick Favors, Trey Lyles, Dante Exum and Rodney Hood would let them excel no matter the surface or number of players.
G: Philadelphia 76ers. Joel Embiid was a volleyballer until fellow hoopers recruited him to the bball scene. Ben Simmons and Dario Saric are saucy setters in all likelihood. Jerami Grant and Nerlens Noel also have serious hops, and this roster is among the tallest in the sport. Is anyone 100 percent certain that Sam Hinkie wasn’t actually building a volleyball team when he drafted his third straight 7-0 center in Jahlil Okafor?
Track and field (4×100 relay)
G: Milwaukee Bucks. Admittedly, I’m relying on Giannis to do most of the heavy lifting here. Still, Kris Middleton, Jon Henson, and MCW is a long and fast supporting cast.
Jon: Sacramento Kings. The Kings finished first in pace this past year, and even though they lost Rajon Rondo, I think they can still push for the gold. I just hope Demarcus Cousins is an alternate and not the anchor.
Josh: Washington Wizards – John Wall is the fastest player in the NBA, and when healthy Bradley Beal can cover ground as well. Trey Burke is small and quick, and Kelly Oubre is the wild card who will push the Wizards over the top with a big finish.
Field Hockey
Jon: Orlando Magic. Bismack Biyombo has a 7-7 wingspan. Let us not forget this. Try scoring around that kind of a reach in the goal.
Josh: Sacramento Kings – This sport gives us the opportunity to see DeMarcus Cousins controlling his temper while holding a stick. Does he break it over his leg? An opponents’ head? Are the referees safe? Willie Cauley-Stein is perfect in goal, and Rudy Gay might be able to find a sport where people like him. Plus Matt Barnes would be right beside Cousins to start any brawl needed. Do they allow fighting in field hockey?
G: New Orleans Pelicans. Throw Omer Asik in goal and let the rest of the Pels run free. They’ve got the depth and versatility to compete on both ends, plus Anthony Davis sprinting full speed ahead is more than enough to scare the bejesus out of most mortal men.
Rugby
G: Denver Nuggets. Head coach Michael Malone is tougher than nails, and so are his Nuggets. As Malone mentioned on Zach Lowe’s podcast, an improved defense could elevate an already-awesome transition attack into an unstoppable force. Emmanuel Mudiay has size and strength in spades, Will the Thrill will kill you with speed, Manimal is a moniker that sounds tailor-made for rugby, and few folks are going toe-to-toe with Jusuf Nurkic.
Jon: Utah Jazz. Knowing as insignificant an amount about the sport as I do, I still feel that rugby is mostly a defensive sport. What better team than the new-look Jazz (well, new point guard at least) to enter into the contest of defense and grit. Derrick “Returns the” Favors and the Stifle Tower will surely be a load for the blokes trying to best them.
Josh: Minnesota has the right mix of size, strength, and speed to terrorize the field in rugby. Who is going to take down Nikola Pekovic running full speed? LaVine and Kris Dunn are athletic and fast, making them impossible to catch. And Tyus Jones is made for big games – he would shine in a Gold Medal match.
Water Polo
Josh: Denver Nuggets – With a bevy of tall, strong centers the Nuggets are set up to excel at Water Polo. Their roster is brimming with athleticism, which translates well to the pool. And if you thought the Manimal was scary on dry land, just wait until he’s in the water…*cue Jaws theme*
Jon: Philadelphia 76ers. Embiid, Saric, Simmons, Noel, Okafor, and Covington. Tell me, who are they not going to be able to throw the ball past? Also, this is a team of athletes (minus Okafor, of course). I can see them lasting the exhausting battle. I can also see them purposely taking off their caps and exiting the pool before the game ends, so who knows.
G: Orlando Magic. With strong big men like Serge Ibaka, Bismack Biyombo, and Aaron Gordon, I like their chances in this exhausting and physically demanding event. Moreover, we all want to witness Elfrid Payton trying to contain his hair with a swim cap.
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