The Ravens came out ready to play today. The Steelers didn’t. That’s pretty much how it worked. What a huge win for Baltimore. They’ve been looking for this kind of game for like 4 years now. In this post, I wish terrible things on people I don’t know, and make fun of Jon Harbaugh for being a prick.
FIRST QUARTER
Shaun Suisham steps out for the first kickoff of the year. He booms it deep in the end zone and some DB takes it out for a pretty nice return.
Ray Rice carries the ball for like 60 yards on the first play of the game. Boldin cashes in over top of Bryant McFadden for a touchdown. 7-0. Steelers just weren’t ready to play yet.
The Steelers come out to answer and promptly don’t get anywhere. Ravens are fired up. Steelers still aren’t.
Someone gets a rare penalty for tackling James Harrison by his face. The ends up ruining the Ravens’ next drive and they punt it away.
A fight almost breaks out after some 3 yard run. Pouncey throws a ref to the ground. No penalties anywhere.
Ben gets hit. Fumbles. Ravens pick it up and immediately take a shot downfield. Ray Rice breaks into the end zone. The play is reviewed and overturned. He scores anyway two play later. Ryan Clark got mad a ref somewhere in there. Either way, 14-0. Yikes. Still waiting for the black and gold to get something going here.
SECOND QUARTER
Another scrum after a play. And another. Hines Ward trades a few punches with some dirtbag. Ward throws a big block on the next play and Sanders picks up a first down.
Pictured: Hines Ward
The Ravens still jump around and stomp and yell every time they make a tackle, but Manny Sanders cashes in in the back of the end zone. 14-7.
And then you thought, “ah, finally, the Steelers are getting into a groove and we can come back now!”
Punts are traded and then Ray Rice has his way with the defense.
What a game for Rice. What a football player.
Ed Reed hits Hines Ward for the first time in his career. The Ravens have a small parade and fireworks display in recognition of this milestone that has eluded Reed his entire life.
HALFTIME
For all the emotional 9/11 tributes that aired all day, only the Clydesdale’s bowing impressed me. And best commercial of the new season so far goes to the Chevy commercial where they guy gets his truck fixed instead of buying a new one. Hands down.
THIRD QUARTER
Subway was in no hurry to get us our sandwiches so we missed Baltimore scoring again and friggin’ going for 2 points afterward. 29-7.
Get AIDS, asshole.
Ben starts hitting his receivers. Hines Ward is one-on-one with Ray Lewis. Ward basically jogs for extra yards and Lewis can’t catch up to him. Ben throws an awful pass and people are going to think Ed Reed is a great player because a ball fell into his hands standing still.
After a while you just start rooting for injuries. There’s a field goal in there somewhere. Ravens up by a million.
A straight up fight breaks out. Rice and Polamalu go at it. Woodley starts throwing punches with some lineman. A ref tries to break it up and the Wood literally throws an arm into him knocks him flat on his back. Headlocks, horsecollars, punches, headbutts, everything. All out brawl.
Ike Taylor gets an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty. Refs are letting everything go today.
FOURTH QUARTER
At some point Ben throws a ball into the ground. It was going to be grounding, but then the refs huddle up and somehow rule it a sack. Jon Harbaugh’s brain explodes.
They just made up a rule to give you a sack. Shut up.
James Harrison gets hurt in there somwhere.
Mewelde Moore fumbles later on. He’s ruled down and Baltimore challenges it.
Not that they run up the score or anything. Dick.
Ben airs a ball out on the deepest route Heath Miller will ever run. Called back on a hold. Snore.
Ben fumbles. Nobody cares anymore. The Ravens immediately start throwing for the end zone.
No they wouldn’t try a bunch of deep passes at the end of a REAL game.
We finally reach the two minute warning. Cundiff kicks a field goal. 1,000,000-7 Ravens.
Game over.
Maybe the Steelers will play next week.
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