Grass and flowers grow, birds chirp, people put on light jackets, and stores have insane deals to sell off their winter collection for clothes that nobody ever wanted to buy. Many things happen every year when spring returns. However, a certain sporting event tops all spring events. No, it’s not the Hockey or Basketball playoffs, which go on forever and I feel like end in August. The greatest thing about spring is the obvious:
The return of baseball.
Or, grammatically correct:
Baseball’s return.
Hmm. That sentence is also showing up with a green line under it. Oh well, we’re going with it.
The 2015 offseason included some notable stories. Robert Manfred was elected (appointed? Born into? Is he Bud Selig’s son? How did he get to be commissioner?) the new Major League Baseball commissioner. And commission he has! So far he has commissioned new rules, such as the rule that batters must keep one foot in the box at all time. So, if you felt like baseball never had enough foot action (Rex Ryan), then you are in luck.
Manfred also instituted other rules to quicken the pace of the game, mandating that a pitcher must start the inning within two minutes and thirty seconds. This actually will turn out bad for baseball, though, because when a person says that baseball is boring, baseball purists like myself will insist, “No, the game is actually a lot quicker now that there is a clock that starts at the end of the inning that is timed at 2:30 and the opposing pitcher must be ready within this time to throw his first pitch,” and the person who asked the question will fall asleep because that is the most boring rule change ever made in the history of rules (the least boring rule change: obviously repealing Prohibition).
But that person is wrong. Baseball is the greatest.
Anyway, here are what fans from each team have to look forward to the most this year. I’ll list the National League first so people don’t start crying over the Yankees-Red Sox AL East bias.
[button color=”blue” link=””]National League[/button]NL East
Braves – an upcoming lawsuit because “Braves” might be on par with “Redskins” for terms that are not that okay to use about Native Americans
Mets – hoisting the World Series trophy in October (Note: the sad thing is most Mets fans actually believe this)
Marlins – when Jeffrey Loria trades away all his players in June and opposing teams just play against an empty field
Nationals – Number #1: Max Scherzer. Number #2: If we go to war with another country and a bunch of jets take off from the Pentagon it’s like fans get a free flyover!
Phillies – a special reunion of the 2008 World Series Championship team…that happens every single night because all those players are still on the team
NL Central
Brewers – just anytime someone mentions anything that isn’t Ryan Braun’s failed drug test from like four years ago now
Cardinals – making the playoffs. Sorry, I didn’t write winning the World Series because we all know the Cards will make the playoffs and then lose in one of the rounds
Cubs – Joe Maddon is such a smart manager that he already knows what the outcome of the season will be
Pirates – sometime this season when the team clarifies that they are no longer the old-fashioned Pirates but modern Pirates who steal cargo in the Indian Ocean and their logo is updated to be just a regular-looking dude
Reds – Nothing. The Reds have nothing to look forward to this year.
Astros – The Astros aren’t in this division anymore and you didn’t even notice, fool!
NL West
Diamondbacks – I’m not sure if there are any Diamondbacks fans, but if there are I guess they should be excited if they still have that pool in right field
Dodgers – when, to clarify things, the Dodgers rename their team to the Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles
Giants – when the players get to exclaim, “We won the World Series!” at any point they want during the whole season
Padres – living in San Diego every day, the most beautiful place in America
Rockies – every fly ball being a 1,000-foot home run because of the thin air
[button color=”blue” link=””]American League[/button]AL East (aka the only important division. Just kidding)
Blue Jays – Toronto fans can look forward to the fact that they can easily visit their neighboring country, THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLd AKA AMERICA! U-S-A! U-S-A! That and Jose Bautista’s power.
Orioles – sliders. O’s fans loooooove sliders.
Rays – when the ball bounces off the catwalk in Tropicana Field and the outfielders shrug and are like, “Huhhh????” C’mon, that’s the best shrug in sports.
Red Sox – “Yankees suck!”
Yankees – “You suck!” A fight ensues.
AL Central
Indians – In the start of the 2015 season, the thing the Indians have most to look forward to is the start of the 2016 season
Royals – Ned Yost inventing a baseball play called the “double hit and throw.” It won’t work and he will use it all the time
Tigers – Miguel Cabrera homering in his first at bat and then sitting out the season to preserve the batting title
Twins – heading to the ballpark and seeing a ballgame at Target Field with beautiful spring weather…which will begin in Minnesota on approximately June 19th
White Sox – Jose Abreu being the best hitter in baseball but nobody is going to notice because he is a White Sox
AL West
A’s – Moneyball. MONEY BALL. Moneyball! (Will someone ever bring up the A’s and not mention that book? Probably never.)
Angels – the Angels could fill an All-Star roster all on their own. Of course the biggest star on their team: starting second baseman Johnny Giovatella
Astros – you remembered they were in this division! Actually as of reading this sentence they were assigned to the AFC North in the NFL
Mariners – fans can look for something that has been decriminalized in this city….Robinson Cano being a leader of a team all on his own! He was quite overshadowed by Jeter in New York, but now it’s okay for him to lead a team on his own.
Rangers – maybe if one player happens to get through their season with an injury, although this is highly unlikely
-Jason Last-Name-Withheld-Due-to-Legal-Reasons
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