There are few things more precious to young fans than a jersey bearing their favorite player’s name. Everybody has those memories (or a hanger) with that teal Griffey jersey they outgrew, or their first pinstriped Jeter button up. Jerseys and hats are like family crests and religious paraphernalia: visible ways of demonstrating true fandom. Beyond that, they’re ways we represent ourselves.
As fans we pride ourselves on devotion and how we portray it. I am here to tell you that there are incorrect ways to show your fandom. All jerseys and hats are not created equal. What follows are the comprehensive dos and don’ts of jersey and hat wearing.
1. You cannot wear the jersey of somebody younger than you.
Explanation: Athletes are people we idolize and look up to. The name on the back of your jersey is somebody you wish to be. If you wear a jersey of someone younger than you, you are disrespecting yourself. You cannot grow up to be someone who is younger than you, and it is impossible to improve yourself to the point where you are equal to this younger person, because once you do, they will still be that good–and younger. Therefore it is a jersey faux pas.
Exceptions: None
2. You cannot buy a jersey of a player no longer on the team you root for.
Explanation: If somebody retires or changes teams before you have a chance to buy their jersey, you were clearly not a big enough fan of that player in the first place and do not deserve to positive association gained by its presence on your person. A true fan buys their player’s jersey well before that player has left the team. Adherence to this rule has preserved some of the greatest jersey gemes of all time: Randy Johnson Astros, Joe Montana Chiefs, Pedro Martinez Expos. It is a long list filled with jerseys you might not remember, but had a huge impact for a large audience, albeit for a short period.
Exceptions: If you already have a jersey of your favorite player and they leave your team, you are entitled to buy their jersey with the new team. Additionally, you can replace an old jersey in the even of unavoidable loss or destruction. If it has become unwearable, physically disgusting, or somebody else has thrown it away out of pity/anger. But you can only replace a jersey you previously owned.
3. You cannot buy the jersey of a player who plays on a team other than your favorite team.
Explanation: This one is simple, true fans root for their team over individual players, and would never don a jersey of another team unless faced with extreme extenuating circumstances.
Exceptions: See exceptions for rule 2. You may only wear the new jersey of a favorite player who meant a great deal to you and your team. Example: Ichiro. Additionally purchasing the jersey of a non-your team member is acceptable if you are representing a family member, close friend, or hometown/school hero. Example: Nate Robinson for people who grew up in Seattle, or went to Rainier Beach High School/UW.
4. You cannot wear a jersey that is not a regularly worn Jersey. This means no jerseys worn for special holiday events like Mother’s Day or St. Patrick’s Day, no turn back the clock night garb, and no throwbacks.
Explanation: Pink and green are not the color of your team unless they are the color of your team. Only bandwagon fans, fair weather fans, or rappers would be caught dead wearing an off-color jersey. How can you strike fear into the hearts of the visiting team if a quarter of the stadium is decked out in pastels. You look ridiculous in jerseys of the wrong color, and teenagers sporting jerseys from the 60’s just affirm to observers that the youth of today are misguided and watch too many Snoop Dog Lion music videos.
Exceptions: Teams’ official alternate jerseys. Examples: The Phillies’ off-white, the Mariners’ teal, and the Padres camo (although the camo jerseys may be the ugliest in history). Additionally throwbacks can be purchased if they are being phased back in. Example: You cannot buy a Mariners’ Rainier jersey or Trident jersey because they are only worn on specific turn-back-the-clock nights, but you can buy an orange Buccaneers jersey or a Jets “Titans” jersey because they have started wearing them as alternates.
5. You cannot buy or wear wrong color hats, or hats of other teams.
Explanation: Similar to rule 4, wearing a purple Yankees hat or a green Red Sox hat just proves that you don’t care at all about your teams.
Exceptions: You are allowed to wear all black hats, and throwback hats. Hats have always been more expressive articles of clothing than shirts and jerseys. Look at Griffey wearing his hat backward, or pitchers writing names and numbers on their hats. Hats are showy articles and may be treated that way. Hats allow for a little flair in everyday life. All black is and will always be classy, and if it’s good enough for players to wear on their head then it’s good enough for fans.
6. No cut off jerseys, personalized jerseys, hats with rips in them, or snap back hats.
Explanation: Cut off jerseys are trashy and are an affront to a team’s integrity. Personalized jerseys take the whole “aspiring to be like a major leaguer” thing a bit too far. They make you look like a child and are almost always stupid inside jokes or nicknames that are not cool. Hats with rips are either terrible hats from the beginning or are hats that have past their prime. A new hat costs between $20-$35. You can afford a new one if your old one has rips, and you can always find the same hat that you previously owned because hat stores have everything. Snap back hats make you look like a hipster (or a child, depending on body type and accompanying attire) and should be avoided like the plague.
Exceptions: If you are a child you may, of course, dress like a child and get personalized jerseys and snap back hats. You are still growing, so there’ll be opportunity to right the ship. Hopefully you will grow out of the personalized jerseys, and it’s fairly certain your head will eventually stop growing. You can also continue to wear snap back hats if it was the one you grew up with. You can also keep wearing a ripped hat if it has a significant luck factor attributed to it. Never ever throw away a lucky hat or jersey.
If you follow these rules, nobody will ever be able to doubt your fanhood. On the flip side, armed with these rules you will be able to pick out and avoid bandwagon fans, fair weather fans, and rappers.
-David Ringold
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