Awesome Excuses to Avoid Wearing a Condom

After blessing y’all with some valuable excuses for missing work, I figured it was time to come back and provide you with essential gift of gab techniques to avoid wearing the most wretched piece of fashion ever created: a condom. Sure they prevent STDs and children, blah blah blah. What people fail to mention is that they suck. Wearing a condom during sex is like wrapping your favorite meal in cellophane and then trying to eat it: yeah it “gets the job done” (you get your nut off or gain necessary sustenance), but is it worth it? Obviously, that depends case to case. Yes, if you are jumping from hood rat to hood rat, then a condom becomes a necessary evil of that process. However, if you aren’t sticking it in anything that moves and are adept at identifying “clean” females, then this post is for you.

Now before you go crying about “how can you tell someone is clean just by looking at them,” just keep this in mind: up to 90% of the sexually active population has herpes and up to 75% of the “reproductive-age” population is carrying HPV… in other words, we’re all about as clean as a used tissue.

“B-b-but Crooked, what about the risk of impregnating someone?” Well, yeah, that’s a risk. The tried-and-true method of pulling out is a roll of the dice each time your dick secretes, but hey, you only get one life, so you might as well live it on the edge. Plus, children are a blessing!

Anyway, back to the task at hand. Below are some clutch excuses you can use on a female companion to try to coerce latex-free penetration. You won’t see “I’m too big for condoms” or any other lame excuses on here. Ladies, this post is for you too, as you can use this information to successfully deflect unprotected penises away from your garden of Eden.

Alright, enough foreplay. To the excuses!

“I love you, and I want this to be special”
Yeah, it works. Not on smart females, but ones brainwashed by years of romantic comedies and Nicholas Sparks novels. The chief problem with this excuse is that you back yourself into a corner afterwards. So then you have to A) continue lying to her and tell her you love her in order to generate multiple condom-free entrances B) tell her you “don’t” love her, which renders this excuse as a one-time vaginal pass or C) actually fall in love with her. As you can see, this excuse is a bit limited in terms of repeat usage.

“I have a latex allergy”
This one is all about timing. You have to pull this card when she is frothing at the mouth (the south mouth) and has committed herself to getting it in. Pull this card too early, and she can dial it back. Pull it at the right time, when her want for dick clouds her better judgement, and this can be a very effective method. This excuse is also about presentation. Don’t just blurt it out like a dumbass. Empathize with her: “aw shoot, I probably should’ve mentioned this sooner but I didn’t want to be presumptive.” Like most things in life, it’s all about how you deliver the message.

“I fuck so hard that I almost always break the condom”
A sneaky, rarely used tactic, but one that can be very effective in the right circumstances. It also sends the message that she’s about to get her shit rocked, which could fuel her desire even more. The only problem with some men when using this excuse is now that you’ve used it, you got to deliver. So if you’re the type of guy who changes pump velocity frequently to avoid exploding too soon, this probably ain’t the excuse for you.

“I smoke a lot of pot, so I’m essentially shooting blanks”
Probably my favorite excuse. Again, timing is key. You have to wait until the moment she’s resigned herself to the fact that she wants to bang, otherwise she’ll have second thoughts. What really works in this excuse’s favor is that it is pretty common knowledge that frequent weed smoking merks sperm. So if she’s committed herself to sex in that moment, it’s probably a small mental bridge that she is preparing herself to cross in order to get you to the end zone.