The EYE has a limited number of these kits available. They come with a live 12-week-old puppy, too, designed to snap you out of any residual negativity from this regular season.
Next out of the package is a DVD recording of the Philly DJ known as the “bEAST” from eaglemanical.com. He will lecture you upon the defensive changes by the Eagles you must anticipate:
“Go to Cover Two… in the Redskins game, we went with Cover One…for the love of God, Play a lot of Cover Two!!! Didn’t do it and got spanked on a 75 yard TD pass that left LB Nate Gerry (3 – 0 – 0 – 0) trailing a WR in coverage after a missed tackle by CB Avonte Maddox (3 – 0 – 0 – 0), who’d “Rock and Rolled” from Nickle CB to FS. Weirdly enough, we were also in Cover One, on the 5 yard TD pass that we gave up later. PLEASE, pray for Cover Two!!”
Then, there is an authentic action toy model called “MAN DEFENDER”… Pull his string, and he says this:
“First, our Defense has to play more man, and far less zone on the Corners. Our zones do nothing to slow down passing attacks, and allow for first reads to become targets. That needs to stop. We have to make QB’s go through their progressions, so that unlike against Redskins, we can get sacks and end drives.”
Digging deeper into the kit, we find a commemorative window screen with an Eagles logo imprint. This is something you can place over your TV screen when the Eagles are on offense. It is an homage to the Eagles’ screen game. Both Miles Sanders and Boston Scott have been huge in the screen game of late, and with the receivers and Goedert being mixed into the action as well, and it’s resulted in some timely chunk plays for this Eagles team. The Eagles, by Fran Duffy’s count, called nine screen passes on Sunday afternoon. One came back on a penalty, Wentz threw another into the dirt, and the other seven were completed for a combined 56 yards (8 yards per play). This offense will take that against Dallas any day. Duffy expects the screen game to continue being a huge part of the offense moving forward.
Then, there is the battery-operated Jason Garrett doll. No, he doesn’t betsy-wetsy, but he gives a cautionary reverse-jinx locker room speech:
“Our o-line will do a good job of controlling the line, our ability to run the ball will be big. On defense our number one priority will be to stop the run. We will get aligned right on defense, we will play fundamentally sound, and we will be physical at the attack. We will try to make the Eagles one-dimensional.”
“We emphasize what we can control right now, don’t worry about the past or the future, lock in on preparation, prep for the Eagles starts now.”
Once you go through all those motivational tools in the survival kit, you are rewarded with a wonderful snack item. It’s a genuine shoe-fly pie injected with just the right amounts of rum and vodka. Mmmmm mmm good. Upon ingestion, we are not responsible for any subsequent hallucinations of a definitive Eagles victory over the ‘Boys. No matter how things go, this survival kit will have you ready to face what is coming.
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